Coffeeless Sade

It's 12noon, I am coffeeless, cranky because I worked until 330am that morning, and had to wake up at 10am. My friend piocks me up form my house and we are on our way to attend a meeting. We pass by a Starbucks and I plead with her to stop so I can buy coffee to perk me up. She finally says yes. So she stays in the car, double-parked, and I run in to get coffee.
Becuase the high heavens want to laugh at me, the guy in line before me looks like a starbucks newbie, and is asking the barista about all the different frappucinos. Crap! I try to make eye contact with the other barista, working the bar, in hopes that he will get my order and start creating my lfiesaver. NO such luck. Finally it's m,y turn, and this particular barista assigned to the counter is uber-chatty. I try to be patient. Iced grande upside down caramel macchiato please, I say. He chats and punches in the order, and then repeats it to the toher barista. The other barista repeats it, blak blah blah. 3 minutes later, my macchiato is ready, but not upside-down. I say, nyeh, upside down dapat. He mutters something and asks me if I want it changd. I think to myself --- for another 3 coffeeless minutes, no way! So i say no thanks and leave. BY this time, my friend has circled twice because there is a hawkish guard keeping double-parked cars away. I get into the passenger seat, and she mentions another friend called to ask to order coffee as well. I say, please let me drink my coffee. And she understands. So I stay in the car, she runs in. But I stay in the passenger seat (smarterst thing I could've done!).
One minute later the guard is knocking at the driver's side. He sees no one is there, and moves over to my side of the car. The following conversation ensues.
Guard: Ma'am, asan na po driver
Me: TUmakbo sa starbucks bumili lang ng kape
Guard: Ma'am, kanina pa kayo andito e.
Me (rising voice): Kanina pa SYA nandito, ako kakagaling ko lang ng starbucks
Guard: Kanina pa umiikot yung kotse nyo e
Me (a little angrier): Kanina pa SYA umiikot, ako kakagaling ko lang starbucks o, eto resibo ko, tignan mo tong kape ko, puno pa o, malamaig pa.
Guard: Ma'am, di pwedeng ganyan kasi nakakaabala na kayo e
Me (indignant, coffeeless, and not in my right mind): Baket, kanina ba hindi kami nakakaabala?

The guard pauses, then says 'Ma'am, cge next time na lang po'.

I think he reclassified me as a kind of crazy weirdo. my last statement did not make sense or plead my case at all.

Mwahahahahaha. Bow.

Brazil, Baby

Okay, I haven't posted in a long time, but I'm back. Because I'm stuck at the hotel with nothing to do on a long weekend, and jetlag is a killer, and the interaction with Brazilians who speak very little english is so funny, it just needs to be shared. And I mean funny, in a frustrating, shrug-my-shoulders-and-walk-away way.

But before I get to that, let me posdt some funny stupid things I did before leaving Manila....

Stay tuned!

don't.

There's so much that still needs to be said
So much more we want done
But all we can do is smile bravely and wait
Wait for the pain to pass and the body to...

I wish I could take the pain away
but I'm afraid I don't have as much courage
In my coward state, I know you will leave
And there is nothing I can do but let go of...

Let me go with you, sail away into the sunset
i might be able to leave everything else behind
if they let me, if they knew
i don't know how to live in a world without.

please. don't.

What Now?

Restless.

That's how I would describe it.

It's a state of mind when you know you should be content and happy, but somehow, you're just not getting the same high that you used to get from all this adventure.

And by adventure, I mean life.

Somehow, 29 isn't turning out to be what we (me and some select friends) were told it would be. They said after your mid-twenties you would be more settled, would probably have yourself a husband and kids (well, at least one kid). Because of the anti-"flower power" revolution of my generation, however, people (most especially women) said NO to getting married early or prioritizing nest-building over their own independent empowered lives. We said YES to walking the path less travelled.

But where does this leave us? Because we let our minds lead us to early 'success' in terms of life's milestones, our emotions every now and then rebel and get the better of us. And we find ourselves thinking "Is this it?" "What next?" "So what?"

It was supposed to be a big hooplah that you got to travel around the world by age 30, take on life-changing adventures. But now that we've done it, experienced the peaks of exhiliration, and got back to safe ground, what now? No article I've read so far gave us the gist of what happens after "happily ever after" of fulfilling your desires and dreams.

Are we now supposed to go back to the well-trodden path? Should we continue braving the unknown, knowing full well that we don't know what lies in the next step? Should we just close our eyes and let our emotions rule us now that we know we've done most things we set out to do?

Someone tell me, what happens after the ending of a really good "book of life".

God, I guess Mads was right. Maybe for the new generation, the mid-life crisis comes around age thirty.

And the only way to appease my thoughts right now is to say, "hey, twenty years in this world ain't bad if it's the half mark of the rest of your life."

Not bad at all. But I'm still stuck at "What now?"

Mind GERD

There are so many things on my mind right now. From the obscenely mundane to the supremely complex. But I can't help it. This is how I am.

And since I haven't updated this blog in a long time, and because I think no one is going to read it, I'm fine with regurgitating the acid on my mind into this blank palette.

GERD is killing my pocket. This year alone, I've been to the ER no less than 3 times for my GERD. And brought more than Php10,000 worth of medicine. Dangit!

I am in love. There, I wrote it down.
Somehow, it makes it more real. Although nothing is more real than seeing the person day in and day out.

I am accepting the loss of a friend. There, I've wanted to write about this for a while now, but somehow I couldnt' quite wrap my mind around it. Even as fingers touch keyboard, I find my head shaking. As if it was a bad dream, and somehow I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was. But, as an old friend once said, 'these are not double doors'. I guess I'll walk on shaking my head.

Time is my friend. In what's happened in the past months, time is my friend. She is my ally. She's in my corner. She keeps whispering that I should take things one day at a time. That that's how I should do it. And looks like she was right.

Cancer sucks.
Nine months after I found out, I still reel at the thought that my dad is walking the fine line between health and the big C word. It sucks big time. Especially after the car wreck he was in also just last year. I wouldn't know what I'd do if anything happened while I'm gone.

Which brings me to my last point.

Because of all the things mentioned above (one over the others), I am dreading this latest onshore stint. It's in unfamiliar territory. Emotional and mental support is low at a time when I am very vulnerable (even a little scared). And even as I wait at the lounge for my boarding time (an hour and 5 minutes...and counting), I feel a tad bit nauseous at the thought that I will be flying out of the Philippines on the same day that my dad will be having his procedure.

I'm a little tired, to tell the truth. Of being both the good cop AND bad cop. Of being motherly and fatherly. After a couple of years, it bogs you down such that you can't really think long-term. I've needed to stop for a couple of years now. But it's family. And if they need you, how can you say no? There's a lump in my throat that I can't seem to get rid of everytime my mind wanders back to this part of my life.

Think.

It's not that bad when you actually think about bits and pieces of it. I have so many things to still be thankful for. Really.

I just can't think of them right now.

Bon Voyage Manila! Wish me peace and happiness while I'm gone.

Don't worry, I'll keep in touch. I need to.

Suddenly

Suddenly, things change and you're back home, and loving it. Suddenly, you realize the grass was always greener on this side. Suddenly, amidst all the pain and suffering, you realize you're not in such a rut.

It all happens so suddenly. And if you blink twice or thrice, you might not notice the change. And it would have all remained the same. You wouldn't have been transformed into Annie, hopeful for the future. Thank God, i didn't blink (literally hahaha).

Small anecdotes:

When a friend is in need, it trumps all other concerns, except for family and god.

When a sister mutes the radio to tell you a funny story about a guy, you know it's serious.

When a weird ex-friend sends you a text message or email out of the blue, don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

Happy Christmas everyone.

Let's all be hopefull that this year will be as happy (if not much more so) than the past year.

Cheers all 'round! :D

If I were you, I'd anticipate a colorful year, and dress appropriately ;D

Spectator Sport

Tumultuous time, and I am only writing about it because there’s really no one I want to share this with.

Maybe I do, or maybe I don’t really want to, but I’m entering the arena. Not knowing though, whether I sit up front and bravely cheer for blood, or sit back in the nosebleed section…. that kills me.

It kills me.

And right when I go through that tunnel that leads me into the seating section, I stop.
I stop and I stare. I’m frozen at the same time that I’m being pulled from all sides by all these other people passing through my life, unintentionally, of course.

It’s me. I know it’s me.

I should know by now how to care for this drama, but I don’t.
After a whole life of performing, you can’t take that mask off. It’s melded to your skin and you don’t know where the mask ends and you begin. And I end up motionless. An unwilling spectator in my own life.

Just because I don’t know what happens next.
Just because I’m worried about that blood.
Just because I don’t know how I would react if no blood was shed.

My Fall