A Testimony (written 050303)

I just wanted it down for my records.
I felt shitty for a while. Trembling vigorously all over when I spoke to him the last few times over the phone. And when I finally did let go, it was a resignation. It wasn’t actually a decision I had to make. He didn’t want in, and so I felt that he might’ve been better out of it. Maybe I was wrong, I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have put that out there. But this is not the time to think about that.

It’s mostly over now, I think. I’m just hurt because it happened so quickly. I didn’t have a clue that it had gotten that bad for him. I mean, maybe I did, but I chose to ignore it. Or maybe, I did, but I didn’t recognize it. Either way, this still isn’t the time to write about it.

It’s gonna be a long time before I totally get over it, I know. I’m admitting it to myself. The fact that I could not allow myself to be mad at him is a sign that this one was quite different from the others before him. And I did not automatically shield myself from the hurt. I am allowing myself to think about it, immediately after it happened, which is so unlike me, as people who know me will end up saying ‘oo nga no’ to. But it’s there. And I’m hurt. And I’m lost and sad and down and up at different times of the day. A flurry of emotions all coming out of one culminating event. The end, it’s supposed to say. But I keep saying no. Still sitting down on my movie seat and waiting for something else to happen, to give me an understanding of the behind-the-scenes of it all. Well, I will know soon enough, won’t I?

Anyway, music and sights determine my each thought and each tumble and turn of emotion. I’m just going with it. This is kinda new for a hard-outer-shelled woman like me. And I’m kinda fascinated by it all.

The only part I think that sucks for my pride is him going out with that other girl. But I’ll get over that as well. I know that he knows that she’s nothing like me. His reasons for choosing her over me are his reasons. But I know that in the end, I’ll know that he lost out. Like I lost out. Maybe we’ll both lose out. Maybe we won’t. But that’s how life goes.

And I can’t even go out and find someone to play with, as easy as that is, and that realization is also every bit as fascinating as the first one. I think he didn't leave as big a hole in my life as the previous ones did. There is one, though, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not an all-encompassing hole. It just hurts every now and then, makes me breathe in a little deeper and take things in slower, letting it heal. I just might, someday, thank him for that. For not letting me lose my identity completely. Thinking about it makes me miss him a little bit more. The thought that no one else will ever touch my life the way that he did.

Right now, I’m just hoping I’ll find the happiness I deserve. Someday. One day.
Also, I just want to be able to talk to him and find out what exactly happened. I think he owes me that much. But if I tell him that, I know he could come back and tell me that he owes me nothing.
Hmmm. He can be really hurtful. And he’s barely sweet. And yet I loved him. Says something about me, don’t you think?

Those who know me think I’m brave and strong. I didn’t think so. I thought that deep down I was a scared little child. I guess, now I realize that I’m a bit more mature than I REALLY gave myself credit for.

And even though I do end up telling him I learned nothing from what happened with us, I will come away with a difference in me. Steady. Easy. Riding life like riding a horse in the wild. Just observing the surroundings. Taking in the world. Looking hard to find my passion, but not really digging too deep. Steady. I love that word. I loved that man. And my still-fresh scars I think speak for themselves.

I’m having lunch now.