zhinesade's surreal world

everything about nothing

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

That old lady, dead at age 63

Today she’s celebrating her thirty-fifth birthday. And on all her birthdays, she had always (always) remembered him. He was the first man she ever loved. It’s been years now, but she hasn’t forgotten him. She knows there’s no turning back time, no going back to the way it was. But she always reminisced about those days.

At age eighteen, he wooed her in the most romantic way. Made friends with her right before her birthday. Told her he had fallen for her on Christmas day. Got his first kiss from her on his birthday in April. Summer lovin’ happened so fast.

She fell in love with him. In her own youthful way, she really did.

But he was ready and she was not. Mona Lisa smiled and they broke up.

She was in college and he was working. She lost contact. Burned the bridge. He tried to build a walkway to get to her. She resisted, thinking his presence a nuisance of the memory that was them. And she wanted to experience other things. She went on with her life. Men and boys alike, she embraced. Some loving caresses, others carnal affairs, and others still were only to stroke her ego avid ego. Paradise.

One day, age twenty-two, she grew up. But he was gone. Moved on to another plane altogether. She never saw him again.

She met a man at twenty-four and married him two years later. It wasn’t as romantic as she had imagined it would be when she was eighteen. But she was more cynical now, had more baggage, had less dreams. And she had a deadline to catch. And so she married. Had three kids by age thirty and became a full-time mom, never mind the fact that she worked hard to excel in college and create a career. Her career now was to be a mother. And so a mother she became.

Today, at age 55, she reminisces. Thirty years ago, she made a choice. And she never looked back. Or so she wants herself to believe. When she washed the dishes, or when she tucked her kids to bed, or saw them take their first bike ride, or attended their graduation, she always thought about him. How they would talk about this and think it momentous. Instead, she was with her husband. Quiet appreciation.Thirty years ago, she made a choice. So many other roads were taken since that day. And here she is today.

He was the first man she ever loved, and no matter how she tried, he was still going to be the man in her secret, imagined life. The man she would always love. But this secret was hers. She was taking this to her grave. She made that choice thirty years ago, and no one could take that sweet burden away from her.

Today she takes her last breath. She knows it and is relieved. Her life-long wait was over. There would be no tears in heaven because he would be there. She had waited patiently. A love only to be held in death. Rebirth to forever with him.

She smiled as she closed her eyes. She was on her way.

"There was always a smile hidden in her eyes. She had an ethereal happiness about her. Something would go wrong, you looked at her, and she always had a smile for you. It was like she knew a secret to life that none of us were privy to. She was the epitome of life. Even during her last days, it seemed like she never felt the pain. She was almost radiating life then. And now she is spreading her happiness in heaven. Where she truly belongs. And we will hold her in our hearts forever."

"Linda, Loving Wife and Mother"