Mind GERD

There are so many things on my mind right now. From the obscenely mundane to the supremely complex. But I can't help it. This is how I am.

And since I haven't updated this blog in a long time, and because I think no one is going to read it, I'm fine with regurgitating the acid on my mind into this blank palette.

GERD is killing my pocket. This year alone, I've been to the ER no less than 3 times for my GERD. And brought more than Php10,000 worth of medicine. Dangit!

I am in love. There, I wrote it down.
Somehow, it makes it more real. Although nothing is more real than seeing the person day in and day out.

I am accepting the loss of a friend. There, I've wanted to write about this for a while now, but somehow I couldnt' quite wrap my mind around it. Even as fingers touch keyboard, I find my head shaking. As if it was a bad dream, and somehow I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was. But, as an old friend once said, 'these are not double doors'. I guess I'll walk on shaking my head.

Time is my friend. In what's happened in the past months, time is my friend. She is my ally. She's in my corner. She keeps whispering that I should take things one day at a time. That that's how I should do it. And looks like she was right.

Cancer sucks.
Nine months after I found out, I still reel at the thought that my dad is walking the fine line between health and the big C word. It sucks big time. Especially after the car wreck he was in also just last year. I wouldn't know what I'd do if anything happened while I'm gone.

Which brings me to my last point.

Because of all the things mentioned above (one over the others), I am dreading this latest onshore stint. It's in unfamiliar territory. Emotional and mental support is low at a time when I am very vulnerable (even a little scared). And even as I wait at the lounge for my boarding time (an hour and 5 minutes...and counting), I feel a tad bit nauseous at the thought that I will be flying out of the Philippines on the same day that my dad will be having his procedure.

I'm a little tired, to tell the truth. Of being both the good cop AND bad cop. Of being motherly and fatherly. After a couple of years, it bogs you down such that you can't really think long-term. I've needed to stop for a couple of years now. But it's family. And if they need you, how can you say no? There's a lump in my throat that I can't seem to get rid of everytime my mind wanders back to this part of my life.

Think.

It's not that bad when you actually think about bits and pieces of it. I have so many things to still be thankful for. Really.

I just can't think of them right now.

Bon Voyage Manila! Wish me peace and happiness while I'm gone.

Don't worry, I'll keep in touch. I need to.