In the dumps

Okay. Deep breaths.
I feel like I'm drowning. I guess this is my payback for thinking some OFW's are lame.

It really doesn't matter if you're in the US as a nurse or as a consultant, you're still very far away from your family.

And, in the beginning, it's fun and exciting. That is, until your Manila life catches up to you.

And then you start missing friends. And your family. And your sister who you fought with all the time when you were back home. And you miss the sights and sounds of it all.

And then you think, 'Well, hey, the reason I'm way out here is to help them.' But it just doesn't cut it sometimes. Money is important, that much is for sure. Wihtout it, you wan't be able to put food on your plate, or put your kids through school, or pay for electricity, and water, or pay for the house. And that's supposed to justify the distance and the loneliness and alienation (and add to that that sometimes, you think that the folks there seemed to forget you existed).

I don't know what it is, really. I can't point a finger at exactly what I'm feeling. But it's something close to the realization that your time can be as valuable as your money.

Time and Money. If you had to choose, which one would you rather take?
Enter Exhibit 1. You were one of the wealthiest people in the wrold, but you had no time for anyone else because work took all your time. So your friends were your clients and your calls and your documents. But you had all the money to give away to the wife/husband, kids, siblings, friends. Would that cut it?
Enter exhibit 2. You're a bum ...hmm.. not a good example nor realistic. Okay, okay. Say you had a low-paying job as a waitress or as a gasoline boy. But you came home to a family that loved having you around. That grew from your wisdom. That was guided by your hand. And you didn't do overtime, so you had time to spend with them, watching them grow up, and make their mistakes, and learn from their mistakes. And you were there when they were at their worst, and you were there when they were at their happiest. But you ate hand-to-mouth and you were barely making ends meet. Would that cut it?

I can't make the decision. Not right now, anyway. But then, again, I'm thinking extremes here. Maybe that's what depression does to a person. I don't know.

Maybe I'm taking everything out of proportion. I'm just trying to understand where all this loneliness came from. If it's something that I can fix, then let it be fixed soon. If not, then maybe I should just shrivel up and disappear until the feeling becomes my friend. Then maybe I won't try to fight it too hard...and maybe then, all will be roses.