another year, another dollop

i never thought i'd be as serene as i am today. sitting here, typing away, a feeling of complete ease fills me. right now, i'm thinking --- less beer, less smokes, more acceptance, more love. sappy as shit, but terrifyingly true (ooh, just cursed; i guess that right and je ne se quoi comes with age).

a lot has happened in the past week, in the past few months even. it seemed as though i was being tested, checked, double and triple-checked to make sure i was ready for this new lease, even as the romantic smell of the dangerous unknown reared its beautifully-braided hair quite a number of times.

i did good, methinks. it wasn't easy, but i held out. i just think i'm over that phase. the wonderful aroma still excites me, but i come closer no more. i stay still, looking around, and knowing only i totally understood the magnitude of this inaction. it was the apple. and i am eve.

as eve, i longed for the taste. i searched quietly for that red fruit, then fervently bowed my head in prayer, and then shouted out in frustration to friends who listened with open minds, and unjudging hearts.

funny as it may sound, a couple of not-quite-right apples came along, aside from that juicy red one. there was the undeniably raw one, the too-ripe one, the quintessential bad apple, an apple i had already picked and discarded, and the apple held onto by another eve. up until the last few minutes before i decided, it was there. these others. even as i write now, they are present. i think of them as waiting for a stumble, a 'looking-back' of sorts. i refuse. i look back and see my shadow, a testimonial of where i've been and what i've gone through -- all the good, all the bad. i remember the luscious nights full of sweet murmurs of nothing, and the warm nights filled with good conversation.

i had to be by myself to realize they would always be there. i had to regress to grasp that it had always been my choice, my perception, my reaction, my emotions. I own them now.

no one but a few will understand, but I am calm (a good thing) --- drinks with new friends and old, dinner with a select few, breakfast and coffee with a special girl friend, time with the family and i feel like i won a small lottery of sorts.

we’ll see. and i feel pretty confident about myself. been through the worst of 'em, i think, and i'm up for this new lease.

p.s. my drinks with friends old and new at balay ni juan was fantastic. i'd post pics but something went wrong with the pcis transfer. thanks to everyone who came!