Therapy

There's been so much on my mind, but very little juice to pump it out of my sytem because of the relatively small emotional roller-coaster ride I experienced during the turbulent and colorful December month. But now, I must sit, and write about these things, lest they burgeon into a beehive of distracting activity in my consciousness.

This is one of the few moments when writing really is my therapy.

***

Birth and death in the same year. I never thought it a possibility for me. Yet, a friend died and a sister gave birth. The cosmos has a weird way of showing us how life-changing life is. That, ultimately, this is the one thing that each of us has that we have no control over.

Some say life is death, and death is life. I'm not sure if I want to believe that it's one of those yin-yang things. I'd rather believe we are always alive, just not in this human form (or any fathomable form, for that matter), but that we still do live, and that we still make a diffeence in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe that's why death has not been as frightening a thought for me as it is to a few others. Maybe that's why life has not been much of a celebration nor a languishing nor a rebellion, but more of a constant interaction of sorts with the universe.
Maybe.

***

I recently went to a new club (i.e. discotheque, ladies, not the evil "club" kind :P) in QC qith some girlfriends, just to try out something different.

The place only played House Music. It was like a repeat performance of the Trance era days, that gained little popularity in the late 90's. Leave it to Europeans to create

For those not into music genre too much, click on the link below to see what trusty old Wikipedia has to say about them ---> House, Trance.

The music is electronically-generated, and the bass can only be described as "forefront" and loud.

At first, it was fun to revel in that anonymity, where no one cared about anyone else because they were lost in Electronica Lala Land and the bassline was just too overpowering to the average brain.

However, a bottle of beer and the beginnings of a headache later, it was apparent that there was some malicious intent behind the music. Again, calm down ladies, I don't mean malicious as in drop-your-pants-and-let's-simulate-IT-on-the-dance-floor. I mean, malicious, as in it takes away your sense of being. It leaves only your body, to revel in the darkness of that boom-boom-bass, and your eyes to see nothing but a reflection of empty air in visual synapses.

I don't claim that this is, in and of itself a bad thing. After all, we all need to unwind sometimes, and just think of nothing. Some use drugs, others alcohol, and yet others sex and violence (it's a mad world out there).

However, there is music, and there is MUSIC. Real music is an expression of life and all that it encompasses, described in various powerful ways that include (but are not limited to, I believe) rhythm, melody, lyrics, notes, riffs, drumbeats, plucks. Okay, bass is somewhere in there, and I'm sure electronica is somewhere in there too. But a night (or a whole life) of just pure "steady nothing colorless" thought is exhausting.

Or isn't it?

Maybe I'm just getting old. Or thinking too much. Or both.

***

I like what someone else wrote in his blog. A series of words/phrases that encompass the year that was. Here's my shot at it.

family reunions grew up. braving valentino. paper anniversary. band-ing. major mistake that started the huge ball of dangerous fire. it's about out now. breaking up does not equal left broken. death. writing to reach a soul. writing to reach the self. family, as usual. letting go. losing control. drinking to forget, drinking to remember. not forgetting, but forgiving. pictures to move. pictures that move. hot onshore peeps. high school reminiscing. getting older. the marriage question. birth. christmas and cruising. birthdays and celebrating. friends. no to lovers. yes to love. no to settling for convenience. he's just not that into you. hard life. promotion, money, condo, internet. tagaytay. baguio. bohol. pagudpud. vigan. costa rica. starngers, flights, and airplanes. "recently single". closing cycles. hung-up ex. doormats. backbone-less. saying goodbye. knowing when it's over. starting anew. leo, the cam. sagittarius, independent. badminton. boxing. dancing. learning. yosi. crazy kind of high. samsung. alone time. pink rooms, shirts, shoes. greenbelt, eastwood, ortigas, kapitolyo, tomas morato. my zahir. traffic and cabs. flowers. stalking. dates. recording. innocence. secrets. l, queer, satc, csi, friends reruns. girlfriends. 'almost' them. anger. frustration. cowardice. courage. my zahir. pinas.

***

This one blogger explained each person's relationship to the universe in 'ant terms'. An ant going about his own way. When a person sees an ant on a piece of paper and he's tripping, he could simply lift the piece of paper and move it to a different location. The ant would continue on its way, until it realizes it's lost the 'scent' of its track. Then the ant is distraught and runs around trying to get the ense of things. It's probably muttering 'what the...' under it's breath (aside: do ants breathe?).

Anyway, that other blogger explained it much better. The point is, sometimes we can have questions whose answers don't lie in our realm of understanding. It's just not in the same dimension as our brains can fathom. The best we can do, sometimes, is just let the panic settle down, and just continue on our own little way.

2006 has to be that year for me.

***

In the spirit of the new year, here's a few things I wanna reach for this year:
- having the band play at a paid event.
- having some sort of feedback on my manuscript.
- getting myself an i-pod.
- fixing my darn laptop's monitor or just getting a brand new one and getting it over with.
- getting dsl so I can improve my word racer time without my sis over my shoulder.
- playing billiards again, at least once a month.
- cutting down (eliminate...unspeakable?!) on my nicotine intake.
- travelling outside the country at least twice.
- going to at least one philippine province not in luzon (siargao, anyone?)
- finishing the interior on the new place and making it signature-mine.
- adding a new accessory to feed my namimiktyur appetite.
- losing 5-10 pounds.
- teach a class.
- try a dangerous sport/adventure.

Here we go. Deep breaths all the way, now.