Bands, SATC for Men, and the State of Things

The vocalist of Moonstar 88 (Michelle?). Holding her own.
The Haneps. The drummer's a friend.
Same girl. Diff pic. Same Passion.

***

Work's still been hell this week, but I've managed to still enjoy outside the 2 corners of my cube. Went to embassy last Friday and danced the night away with girlfriends, like old times. On Saturday, did the pop recording session, and stampeded my way into Muziklaban (yes, THAT stampede). More on that in a separate entry, though, as it was one helluvan experience. Spent most of Sunday at GBelt with a bunch of friends. It was one of those surreal days because everything just seemed so steady. We were like SATC girls gone spunky. Watched Red Eye for free too. Thanks, Cha! This week too, drank and sung our hearts out til 4 am on a weekday. And no, we didn't just sing. We danced over "Footloose" and "I want it that way" (yes, THAT song) too, and we all crooned to romantic, hopeless love songs. Of course, I just had to sing my anthem (Buses and Trains). Ah, life is good.

'They're like chocolate cake, like cigarettes, I know they're bad for me, but I just can't leave 'em alone..."

***

Have been watching SATC reruns on HBO the past few weeks, and am seriously contemplating buying DVDs of the whole thing. It reminded me of years past. Memories once-forgotten bubble to the surface, without the intangible pain of entangled emotions, and I see it with the clarity that only comes with hindsight.

Somewhere between Carrie crying over Big's minor heart surgery, and Samantha's succumbing to Smith's Define-The-Relationship-By-Letting-Me-Be-The-First-To-Hold-Your-Hand-While-Walking technique, I thought about this phenomenon that empowered women from all over. This show was not just meant for women to go and say "That's sooooo you", or "I'm so glad I'm not the only one who goes through that", or "I didn't know it was okay to do that". More importantly, and more subtly too, the show begs to be watched by men, to understand how women's complicated minds and egos work. I had the greatest pleasure (and thanks for that experience, you. It was one of those rare moments I will always remember you by) of having a boyfriend who liked SATC enough to watch it with me (or maybe he just liked being with me enough to suffer watching the show in silence haha). It was phenomenal. It gave him a new perspective on women, I think. At least, I hope so.

Anyway, on the other side of the coin, I sometimes wish there was a show like this about men. But then again, men are not overly analytical in principle, especially when it comes to women. They could go on and on about that last ball run or that stupid defense technique that lost them the game, but rarely do they brood over lost women. Yes, ladies, they will not go around calling their friends to talk about their lost loves (men like those are one in a thousand, by the way), nor will they go out and get stupidly drunk with their friends and give you that 3 am phone call that gets the both of you back together. Nah. More often than not, you've moved on before they chip that tipe of the iceberg known as their emotions. Thus, no SATC Men coming anytime soon. Sorry, girls.

However, for the gender benders, there's always The L Word and Queer as Folk. Awesome, awesome shows (although quotable quotes are much more rare). Which leads me back to my previous thought.....if only I was lez.

***

Things around me (people I talk to, books and blogs I read) seem to have a theme these days...i.e. finding the meaning of pain. What if there is none? What if you've got bumps on the road and they're there for no reason at all. A 5-year old kid falls and cries. She doesn't ask why and you don't tell her she needs to stand back up on her two feet. After she tires of crying, she just slowly stands up and resumes whatever it was she was doing. Maybe a lil wisdom can be got from these kids. Sometimes, shit just happens. And if you can't get over it, then you won't get anywhere, and after a while, people will tire of comforting you or asking you what's wrong. Life just goes on. Go with the flow, or get off the highway.

***

Sometimes, 20-20 hindsight is such a bummer. All my energy was so focused on not falling for another, and you just slowly crept under my skin. Damn you for that. It felt good and it felt sad. It felt exciting and forbidden at the same time. Because someone like you would completely annihilate me on so many levels. Again. I've been there and I've done that, and oh boy, there's no way in hell I'm gonna let another one of your kind (silent, complicated, happy) send me to hell and back. Yet, here it is. There you are.

I think I made a very convincing job of pushing you away with my words. But another, more quiet part of me just wants to be with you. Another part of me wants to meet up with you and not just buddy up. It wants to tell you to be careful, to pray for your happiness, to beg for your safety, to wish for your success.

You are nothing to me ( I need to tell myself this), yet you are most of what occupies the recesses of my mind, that part of me untouchable by sanity, these days. It scares the bejeezus out of me, but I don't think I'm ready to say 'So long, buddy, no chances this way' just yet. Maybe tomorrow, this too shall pass. Or maybe tomorrow, we'll meet up and you'll tell me exactly what I need to hear, and then.....and then...

And then maybe we'll both wake up and reality will let us know what can and cannot be.