surrender

but it was somehow just a blink of an eye
and
nothing.

but it was not intense enough
or mabe too much so.

but it was not a blessed match
so
it seemed.

but there were no promises kept,
it should be
said.

but there were angry words exchanged,
it must not have been
meant to be.

surrender
to the wind
and let the clouds take you
where they want to
instead of this pain.

Back

Need to get back to writing.

Very soon.

Losing Ground

I have to stop myself from losing faith that this will work.

I have no choice.

I'm in quicksand, and resistance is futile.

And even if the surrounding forest is calling out to me, and beautiful trees stand out to be worshipped by me, I am stuck here. In the middle. With you (someone else said this to me, and I can't believe I'm saying it to you. How did I get here?).

I choose to be stuck here. For how long, I can't tell.

Pull me out already. Or suck me in.

This waiting. I'm losing ground.

I need some help here.

Someone? Anyone?

Don't just stand there. Or did you just want to see me die?

Unless You Know

No, you don't understand. Even if you think you do. Even if you try to empathize. And feel it. And think about it.

No...unless it's happened to you exactly the same way it's happened to me, and you thought and felt exactly how I thought and felt, you can't understand.

You can't judge me. You can't judge him. You are not allowed. At this moment, there is no right or wrong. There is only love.

And love surpasses everything.

And if my love is not strong enough for the both of us, you are not allowed to tell me 'I told you so' either.

You are only allowed to comfort me and embrace me and my pain. For unless you know my love and how it moves (and I mean know it to perfection), you know not one thing.

Hello

I want to say something. Anything.

I just want to make you smile.

Instead, I stare at my screen, wondering if you thought about me today.

Have you?

I thought you hadn't.

I don't know how that makes me feel.

Yet This

He comes in and smiles at me. He knows I am pained.

He is his usual sarcastic, pragmatic self and tries to make me see this as a good thing. And in this moment, I pray and sorely wish to believe he's right. Make him be right. I smile at him from across the table. He so wants to make me un-sad. He so wants to see me happy.

Despite his attempts, I have gone deep down to a place where no one can reach for me.

I laugh, and I can breathe. But I know I am empty. I don't know if he can see it. That I am a vessel filled with nothingness. I am not. I live not.

I am broken. An abyss that cannot even hold a void of nothing.

He leaves soon after. I'm not aware how long he was there. I have no other sense of time than the length of time I have been dead.

Nothing else seems to make sense. Nothing.

Yet this. This does not make sense either.

today was a weird one

There are so many things I'd like to blurt out right now but can't. There are so many things I wanna talk about with someone, but will not. There are so many things that I need to think through, but don't want to.

Sometimes, they say, silence means much more.

Sometimes, silence is just too unbearable.

Sometimes, you just really need to blab to someone who doesn't have anything invested in what you think of them.

And, sometimes, if it's really not your day, you have someone that apparently has a little too much invested in what you think about what they think, so they eventually end up not being a good mirror for the conscience.

Sometimes, it bothers me that these things bother me.

It's way too complicated, and I over-think, and almost always end up making the wrong choice even if, until the moment of decision, you had the other choice in mind.

Dammit, things maybe might've been so much easier were I born as a boy. Or if I were a lesbian. Or if I wasn't so analytical.

Oh well, 20-20 vision is a bitch.