zhinesade's surreal world

everything about nothing

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Too much pizzazz

Some girl whose first name was Chelsea Camille had this to say about herself:

i love life, with all its euphoric highs and despite all its frustrating lows.i love my dysfunctional family, am a big daddy's girl and proud of it. i cherish my friends and will do just about anything for them. i have found myself with an overwhelming book collection comprised of fiction, non-fiction, and biograhies from all over the world! the desire to travel is in my veins and i will go pathetically broke and do absolutely anything to see the rest of the world and live in Paris at some point in my lifetime. i have visited 47 of the 50 us states and plan to finish off the last three within the next five years. new york is overrated, in much the same way as colorado is underrated. i love Impressionist art and am currently trying to master this style. if i could pick a spot in the world that i could make mine, i'd defintely choose the Musee d'Orsay in Paris. i could get stuck in there for hours. oh and i'm from vietnamese, spanish and filipino descent.

At first, I was like, 'whoa!'. She's been places and done things that I could only dream of. Well, not because I can't ever do them, but because I just don't have all that time and moolah.

And so I sit, and think. And then I look at what her friends say about her. One person's description gives me the impression that she's a party girl. Two others describe her as a 'really cool, fun girl to be with', using words 'high' and 'rollercoaster ride' and 'fantasies' in there. These are both men. And then I come across someone saying that they were actually 'together' way back in high school. And this last one was a girl. Hmm...

Okay, okay. Calm down.

One, she's been places and done things. Two, she's a wild child. Three, she has 200+ friends in there... Hmm.. Makes me wonder.

Someone lost something through that process. She might have gained all those friends and seen and read all these things, but do they really define her? Is that who she really is?

For example, is she really a traveller or does she travel because she wants to be able to call herself one? Did the label come after the experience, or the experience come after the label was idolized and idealized?

I mean, everyone wants to do things and be things. Did she do first, and become second...or did she become first (i.e. tried the label on for size in her head) and then do.

And I tell you, there is a difference. A very big difference. For people who have the time, energy, and resources, it defines the difference between being a real world-traveller and being a social traveller. It defines the difference between being a name-dropper and actually knowing people and appreciating them for what you have come to know them to be and mean.

And in the end, maybe it's just a little too much pizzazz for me. I mean, something's gotta give, right? She can't just have everything, right? Come on, agree. You know something's not right here, right?

And these are just too many run-on sentences that do not fit together in one small piece.

And, then again, you might turn around and say that I am just a jealous, spiteful, uneducated fool. And maybe you're right. But this is my site, and I WILL write whatever it is I feel like writing. So claw me. :-P

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Fathom Me

You wept where my soul lay,
And I, ignorant in the rapture of bliss in revenge,
I kept silent
Did not.
Could not.
Fathom why.

You wept where my path crossed yours,
And I, ignorant in the delight of joy in punishment,
I kept silent.
Did not.
Could not
Fathom why.

You wept where my eyes gazed,
And I, ignorant in the facade of pretense in joy,
I kept silent.
Did not.
Could not.
Fathom why.

You wept where my words reached your ears,
And I, ignorant in the excitement of thrill in the future,
I kept silent.
Did not.
Could not.
Fathom why.

You wept, and I doubled up in gaiety.
For while you saw me, I saw you.
I saw you.

You see?
I kept silent
Because you could not.
I kept silent
Because you would not.
I kept silent.
Because you did not fathom why.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Heidi: Day 2

Heidi had finally done it. She had broken up with Cody. It was not easy, though. Cody, being the asshole that he was, thought that he could change her mind by feeling her up. Heidi was tired of the same old thing. Cody was an intelligent man, good in bed, and lavish with his gifts. But he just did not know how to treat Heidi the way she should have been treated. They were together for almost a year, and Heidi still felt insecure every time some Cody commented on some woman's nice legs or ass or boobs.

Heidi wasn't normally like this. She was normally an open-minded non-jealous girlfriend. But with Cody, things were different. And today, Heidi realized why. And a complete stranger helped her.

She was having lunch, as usual, in a restaurant in front of her office building when the waiter suddenly complimented her on her dress. His exact words were 'That dress becomes you.' He had a warm smile, and so Heidi smiled back. And then she thought about Cody. Did he notice that she wore a nice red dress today, with her nails painted the same color, and her sandals showing off her slender, manicured feet. He did not. And then she tried tot hink back to the last time Cody complimented her. And the only time she could remember was when she was wearing a pair of black underwear that he had given her. She thought back some more because she could not believe it was the only time he actually complimented her on something. She could think of nothing else. And then she knew why she was feeling depressed.

Cody did not appreciate her physically. Of course he made love to her. What man would not like some lovin' from his woman? But he never made her feel that she was special to him. In fact, now that she thought about it, he rarely complimented her about her work or her personality either.

And then she knew. All the time that she fooled herself into believing that he was just not the 'complimenting kind' or the 'caring kind', he really didn't see her as special in his life.

And so she broke it off.

Heidi smiled as she walked the five blocks to her home.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Cyber Promos

WARNING: IF WE'RE NOT FRIENDS, it doesn't make sense for you to read on.

FYI to all. On January 2, I got myself a popup saying I won accomodations/tickets to 5 destinations in the US. I called them and confirmed. I now have my confirmation number. I just have to call them and reserve 3 months in advance. Me and some officemates are planning to go one weekend in April.

WIll let you know if it's bogus or not. If it turns out to be for real, then woe to those who thought it was just another internet scam to get ads into our line of vision. If not, then woe is me.

I'm getting coffee.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Ken and Sarah

Ken's been anxious the past couple of days. We've been talking every night for the past 5 days because he's worried about his future --- his social future, anyways. See, Ken lives in California today. And his girlfriend lives 5 houses away from him (Note: They're also both half-Filipino).

But Ken is going to NYC this spring. And he's worried about what will happen to him and Sarah when he leaves. Sarah is still thinking about whether she wants to go on to college or not. Ken thinks Sarah is too good for him. He says she's nice and sweet and friendly, and pretty, and sexy, and intelligent. 'Right,' I said. Every boyfriend's description of his girfriend. Typical, I thought.

He then sent me a picture of them together. And she was not just pretty. She was HOT!

I also got a chance to talk to her, and I've gotta say that she is pretty talkative and animated. But the whole 5 minutes we talked, all she could think about was the weather, and clothes, and Britney Spears, and the new wave of Avon products.


But see, Ken is not typical. Ken's going to NYC on a scholarship. Ken's a geek with a great smile. That's what I always teased him as, anyways. He was extremely intelligent, and had views that showed he was wise for his age. He knew how to party. But he also knew how to work hard. He was a cool guy who played basketball with his friends and joked around with them. But he also knew how to treat girls right. Ken was the ultimate heart throb who had girls falling for him left and right, who ended up being the Class Clown, Student Council President, and Prom King during his senior year.

But he picked Sarah. And he described her as all those things I mentioned above. (Fine. Never mind my two-cents' worth that she doesn't seem to be all that.)

Ken was in love.

And now, he's worried that she'll find someone else when he's not around.

What about the possibility of Sarah going with him and working in NY while he studied there?

He had asked her that. And Sarah had said, 'Oh that's sweet, baby, but if I'm going to live with you, I want everything to be laid out. I don't want to work. It would kill my social life. Our life.'


I asked Ken what he thought about this. He said he didn't want to force her. But he didn't want to lose her either.

Go Figure!

So to Ken, and to all the other Kens out there (please at least be smart enough to know that you're a Ken), go bash your head against the wall. Or try walking around blindfolded. You just might see what you're missing by being infatuated with sexy bods and gorgeous faces attached to air heads (pun intended).

And to Sarah....'Go watch MTV. Britney's on, dahlin'.



(moving along)

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Filipino Pride or my lack thereof

I am at a cafe with my new Amboy/Amgirl acquaintances, and some americans(black and white, yes), as well as some Europeans who have migrated to the US. We are a culturally diverse group of eight. And because I am the newest member in this makeshift Coffee Club, the focus is on the Filipinos today.

One AmGirl started talking about Filipino pride.

Apparently, Pinoys here in the US have enough of this stacked up in their system to last them 5 lifetimes. That's what she said. These Amgirls and Amboys have been here more than five years (indeed, others --- more than 10), and they all say that one of the few things they kept with them is the Filipino Pride. I asked them what that meant and one AmBoy basically said it was the equivalent of 'Proud to be Filipino' thinking. More commonly, though, this would be identified in any culture as just plain pride. They just went on and on about Filipinos sticking together and keeping their values and their Filipino ways even after adapting to the cultural ways in the US. I did not say a word. It was pretty interesting to know this stuff. From Amboys and AmGirls in their twenties and thirties. I was born and raised (and educated) in the Philippines, and I never (na-uh, not even once) heard of the concept of Filipino Pride. I started to think maybe I fell asleep in one of my Filipino or History Classes and so I missed out.

However, five minutes after that topic was over, the europeans-slash-americans moved into a new topic and start talking about upcoming elections in their former country of citizenship. And the AmPeople (if anyone dare ask, I'm defending myself via poetic license) start dishing out the dirt on the upcoming elections in the Philippines (which, by the way, they ghetto-ishly refer to as P.I.), with FPJ being the star of that line of conversation. And the Americans stand in awe and all they can say is 'That's fucked up,' and one European goes 'Whoa, that's messed up.'

I try to put in my two cents worth as I feel as though I am being attacked. And I say 'But you know, it's not all that bad,' and I go into this whole thing about corruption being present in most countries in the world. And politicking being the center stage of governments -- both first and third-world. And just as two Americans nod their heads in seeming agreement, this AmGirl suddenly butts in and says 'Yeah, but the corruption in the P.I. government is the worst.'

Pardon my agitation, but I just wanted to sock her in the face right there and then. I contained myself, of course (of course. The normal middle-class pinoy is non-confrontational, studies showed). But I felt that that comment was so blatantly stupid, I just wanted to tell her to go back home and eat some more hotdogs and paint her face, and maybe she could pass for a human being with average intellect.

I mean....Hello-uw! (say that with the right tone, and I swear to you, you'll sound like that girl in Clueless).
What was wrong with that picture?

I don't even wanna get into it because it's getting me so damn mad just thinking about it. But let me just say this.

If other people's views of Filipinos and of the Philippines are at an all-time low, it's either because no one bothered to give them an explanation, or because Filipinos themselves gave them that wrong impression.

(2 secs for you to think about this)

'Nough said by a person who has never (until the verbal exchange happened, as was just narrated) heard of the term 'Filipino Pride' described, defended and assaulted within 5 breaths of each other.

Note: This is one of those 'Did it really happen or was it all in my head?' stories. Go figure.

Monday, January 12, 2004

A Testimony (written 050303)

I just wanted it down for my records.
I felt shitty for a while. Trembling vigorously all over when I spoke to him the last few times over the phone. And when I finally did let go, it was a resignation. It wasn’t actually a decision I had to make. He didn’t want in, and so I felt that he might’ve been better out of it. Maybe I was wrong, I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have put that out there. But this is not the time to think about that.

It’s mostly over now, I think. I’m just hurt because it happened so quickly. I didn’t have a clue that it had gotten that bad for him. I mean, maybe I did, but I chose to ignore it. Or maybe, I did, but I didn’t recognize it. Either way, this still isn’t the time to write about it.

It’s gonna be a long time before I totally get over it, I know. I’m admitting it to myself. The fact that I could not allow myself to be mad at him is a sign that this one was quite different from the others before him. And I did not automatically shield myself from the hurt. I am allowing myself to think about it, immediately after it happened, which is so unlike me, as people who know me will end up saying ‘oo nga no’ to. But it’s there. And I’m hurt. And I’m lost and sad and down and up at different times of the day. A flurry of emotions all coming out of one culminating event. The end, it’s supposed to say. But I keep saying no. Still sitting down on my movie seat and waiting for something else to happen, to give me an understanding of the behind-the-scenes of it all. Well, I will know soon enough, won’t I?

Anyway, music and sights determine my each thought and each tumble and turn of emotion. I’m just going with it. This is kinda new for a hard-outer-shelled woman like me. And I’m kinda fascinated by it all.

The only part I think that sucks for my pride is him going out with that other girl. But I’ll get over that as well. I know that he knows that she’s nothing like me. His reasons for choosing her over me are his reasons. But I know that in the end, I’ll know that he lost out. Like I lost out. Maybe we’ll both lose out. Maybe we won’t. But that’s how life goes.

And I can’t even go out and find someone to play with, as easy as that is, and that realization is also every bit as fascinating as the first one. I think he didn't leave as big a hole in my life as the previous ones did. There is one, though, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not an all-encompassing hole. It just hurts every now and then, makes me breathe in a little deeper and take things in slower, letting it heal. I just might, someday, thank him for that. For not letting me lose my identity completely. Thinking about it makes me miss him a little bit more. The thought that no one else will ever touch my life the way that he did.

Right now, I’m just hoping I’ll find the happiness I deserve. Someday. One day.
Also, I just want to be able to talk to him and find out what exactly happened. I think he owes me that much. But if I tell him that, I know he could come back and tell me that he owes me nothing.
Hmmm. He can be really hurtful. And he’s barely sweet. And yet I loved him. Says something about me, don’t you think?

Those who know me think I’m brave and strong. I didn’t think so. I thought that deep down I was a scared little child. I guess, now I realize that I’m a bit more mature than I REALLY gave myself credit for.

And even though I do end up telling him I learned nothing from what happened with us, I will come away with a difference in me. Steady. Easy. Riding life like riding a horse in the wild. Just observing the surroundings. Taking in the world. Looking hard to find my passion, but not really digging too deep. Steady. I love that word. I loved that man. And my still-fresh scars I think speak for themselves.

I’m having lunch now.

Heidi: Day 1

Call her Heidi.

Heidi is a 27-year old Filipina who migrated to the United States when she was 16. Doing the math on that, she's been in the US for 11 years this year. Looking at her, it seems possible. Listening to her, however, is a different matter altogether. See, Heidi speaks english like most Filipinos do. Her diction and her expressions shows she's been here long enough. But her grammar and sentence construction say otherwise. She says things like 'Did they won?' and 'I've gone already' which would irk some grammar-compulsive people. But she's a normal Filipina beauty --- big, black eyes, sensuous lips, and that nice kayumanggi color that's in between the brown of blacks and the cream color or whites --- with the sweetness that's characteristic of Filipinos, and it seems like that more than makes up for her lack in grammatical correctness.

Heidi's been working as a secretary for a private law firm since she turned 21. Today, she's sitting at her desk, typing up some paper work, and thinking of going to college.

Damn, I'm too old, she thinks. But then again, she'd heard stories of people older than her who went to college and finished, and made better careers for themselves. She definitely wanted something more for herself than a second-hand Honda she'd bought 2 years ago and a small cluttered apartment she rented with her Filipina friend.

Suddenly, someone's hands covered Heidi's eyes. Heidi panicked for a millisecond before hearing a voice behind her say 'Guess who?'. It was her boss-slash-boyfriend, Cody. Heidi slapped Cody's hand as Cody let his hands down. 'What do you want?,' Heidi asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. The previous night's fight came back into her memory, as she resolved, once again, to break up with him for good, and to not let him coax her into staying together this time around. 'You're so much prettier when you scowl like that,' Code said as he held out a bouquet of flowers he'd bought for her.

'We've gotta talk, Cody,' Heidi started.

Bitin ba?, basa ka ulet bukas hehehe. In Pinoy terms, ABANGAN ANG SUSUNOD NA KABANATA....
(hmm...pero 'di naman talaga kabanata, 'di ba, kasi by day 'tong kwento e. hehehe)

Friday, January 09, 2004

Stumbled across her..

I was just browsing through some bulletin board posts somewhere in this cyberworld and found this link: http://www.xanga.com/sororitygirl. The review said it was a really funny site so I double-clicked and got myself into sororitygirl's world. It was pretty cool. It's like "Clueless" on the internet. I'm getting you people who read this read her site so you get to laugh once in a while. Laughing is good, says me. We should all do it. Ha-ha. Big deal! :P

I like stumbling across really pretty girls who have a sense of humor. I think this Michelle girl is one bright lady going around pretending to be a girl-jock (is there even such a word?). Which is cool. She makes me laugh. But then, again, if I meet her, and she IS totally jock-ish, I'd roll my eyes and move on.

And you go back to work now! Nothing more to see here.


Monday, January 05, 2004

On Men and Birthdays

I know quite a number of people over thirty and who are still single. But I never really understood how they took aging so gracefully when it was apparent that they were alone.

An officemate turned thirty-six today. And he had this quiet calmness about him. I can't use the word happy here because that would be too emotional a sentiment, and he had none of that. But he wasn't sad about it either. It seemed as though it was just one of those things that happened in life. A natural progression.

We've been cubemates for just about a month now, but I've always joked around with him for being a lot older than me. And he always brushed it off with a smile or a laugh like it was no big deal. I used to think that it was all just a scam. That deep down, he was really sad and lonely. Being thirty-five and alone. But today, he doesn't seem sad at all. In fact, it seems that he's delighted today. And I know most women who reach thirty and dread their birthdays.

Maybe it's a gender thing. Maybe men age more gracefully even when they're single. Or maybe it's just because men are more okay with being alone than women are. Or maybe because men don't overthink like most women do. Or maybe because men have far fewer pressures to be married and have kids by a certain age.

Or maybe it's just my officemate. Maybe he's just really an alone person breezing through life in his own little way.

But then, again, maybe I don't know him enough yet to jump to all these conclusions...

PS. One day, when I know him better, maybe I'll let him read this. But til then, this little blog stays a secret. Bwahahaha.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

A lil something sumthin

Since I'm new to all of this, I must start by saying a few things about myself and this darned blog.

First off, I am a girl. But People call me A****. Yes, A****. Blame it all on nicknames and the first day of my college life. I'm over twenty-one, but I ain't saying how old I am. I'll leave it to the wiser ones to figure that out based on what I write about. I'm unattached, work 5 days a week, currently assigned in The US for my work, and I'm one of the overanalyzer dudes. (The ones that ended up having their midlife crises before they reached the out-of-the-calendar mark).
Anyway, most of the stuff I write in here will be stuff I make up as I go along. So when I have posts like 'Trip a Paris', you must know not to believe me. Again, I make stuff up, okay?

Well, some of the stuff might be real, but I ain't telling which ones. Makes it more exciting doesn't it?

Hurrah for us all!


Me and a couple of friends watched this movie last night. My friend, Poch, told me she heard it won for best foreign film. I was trying my hand at painting by numbers (a new-found novelty I discovered thanks to the movie Mona Lisa Smile {but that's another story}) when she popped in the DVD she bought online.
My eyes were on the paper, and the first sound I heard that signalled the start of the film was moaning. Yep, moaning. My eyes were suddenly riveted to the TV, of course.

Sufficeth to say, the film had very good direction, but the story leaves much to be desired. From an average Filipino viewer's perspective, it was just another one of those skin flicks we are bombarded with. I confess I am not a very good critic of film. The only thing I have under my belt is 1 semester of Film Class waaaay back second year college. But I still think the label 'coming-of-age movie' is not proper. The only aspect of their 'coming-of-age' that was tackled in the film was their sexual awakening.

Sue me for bad publicity, but that's what I thought. But then again, my background on their culture is pretty limited, so I guess the film could be realistic if I knew much more about it. But the film didn't even give us sufficient background into that. So all I had with me when I viewed the film was that the 'coming-of-age' label must have been used as it was supposedly applicable to people everywhere.

And I went through the sexual awakening stage. And it was NOT AT ALL as dramatic or traumatic as that. Was that the point of the movie, I ask myself now. I dunno really. Go watch it, but don't blame me if you stand up from your couch depressed at the end of it all, when you find that you are not better off after having sat through the whole ordeal.