zhinesade's surreal world

everything about nothing

Saturday, December 24, 2005

what's it all about

December 24.

Just when everyone is rushing to get their last-minute gift-shopping done, a weird unique person is not celebrating the day she was born.

My weird, wacky, quirky, ooh, did I say weird(?) sister.

Happy birthday, C1 :D
Around last time this year, i was awkward and confused, and angry, and hurt, and just generally sad, because I was with a group of people who thought Christmas was just all about gift-giving and family traditions, and thought nothing of faith or love or grace.

This year, I am with my own family at this special time.

Ah, the difference.

We don't have quite as much food prepared as they did, and we only managed to get one gift for each other, but I'm guessing more merriment will be had tonight.

My dad's sister and her kids are even coming over to celebrate with us, and no one minds. No one will treat them as sadly as I was made to feel a year ago today.

Sad memories are good that way. On Christmas eve last year, I cried over the phone while I was talking to my family. It had nothing to do with missing people. It had everything to do with a woman who didn't know what breeding really was. It was about a person who thought herself the center of her universe, and would accept no one else in her little world.

This year, I'm free of all of that drama. I'm also just a party of one. But with people around me that I am sincerely proud to call family. We have our quirks and dents and imperfections, but we know what tonight is all about. And we prepare to celebrate that grace and blessing.

And if a sister's boyfriend happens to show up and celebrate Christmas with us, I'll be sure to let them know they are most welcome.

Because in the end, we are celebrating that Sacred Spirit of He who was born to bring love and hope to the world.

And in the end, I guess that's what it's all about.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Monday, December 19, 2005

a child awakes

The past few weeks were a vague impression. While to humanity, all appeared good and steady, some things left unsaid have rocked the mind and mystified the heart.

I guess when all the basic needs of a person are satisfied, the deeper yearning and thirst for discernment of the unknown surfaces, and the call to find the meaning behind things emerges --- slowly and gently at first, and then suddenly barges through the door like a storm unleashed.

Things have been fortunate this past year. A whirlwind came and softly lifted the child from its sweet slumber. The child was swayed, woken up, and found out that everything in her sleep was real.

The realization that she could not keep him at bay, even though she lied, and she tried, and she cajoled herself to believe these things were easily just a fantasy being lived out. ‘We’re friends,’ was all she could think of, and he didn’t lead her to believe otherwise. She moved two steps forward, and then three steps back every time fate would have their paths cross.

She didn’t know where the path would take her.

And then she was there.
In that moment.
And she melted. Just melted.

And he.

He might never know what was found in that brief moment of an embrace.

He might never know that it was more than just that.

He might never know.

But, then again, he might.

Oh God, he might.

And I’m not sure how surreal it could get then.

And then, there could be silence.

Sweet, sad silence.

Monday, December 12, 2005

High Energy, Low Blood

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday extra smiley this last weekend. I got so much energy from my friends, that I partied stuh-rrrrraight from Friday until Sunday morning. Of course, I had low blood on Sunday as a result of too much too booze and too little sleep, but all is well. I can sleep when I'm dead.


PS. Kids, do not try this at home :-P
P.P.S. Special thanks to Mia for drinking with me even though she's sworn off drinking for almost 3 years now. Mwah!
P.P.S. The flowers and the Binondo food trip (with the surprise berdei cake added pizzazz to my day, thanks Barre, Cha, Xian, Poch).

Party-Hearty On, everyone!

Friday, December 09, 2005

on the eve, "don't waste the pretty"

On the eve of my rebirth to another year of my crazy, sexy (ahem*), cool life, I finish the book 'he's just not that into you'.

Lemme tell you, the book hits you right where it matters, 3 leaves from the back cover.

So, you're scared of ending up alone, are you? So is half the universe. Everyone just wants to feel included. Each person wants to be valued as priceless.

This has been my stand pretty much since I started dating the first real love of my life.

I will not settle.

It's a recurring theme in this blog, if you haven't noticed (too bad the links to past writings are broken, or I'd point you to specific entries)...

Ah, love.

On the eve of my twenty-second (ahem) birthday, there are constants to be thinking about in my life -- the x's, the y's, and the z's, the ven diagram of probabilities and the cosine of my self.

I will not sell out to a philosophy of fear.

I will not run scared into just any man's arms for fear of waking up one day alone and lonely, with no one to validate my presence in this world.

I will not give up on the promise of genuine love. I will love genuinely. Of that I am sure. Of things which I have no control over, I can hope and pray and wish for. But I realize that ultimately, I don't control them, and I will still have given love away with no return in mind, without thinking if he will ever realize how much it hurts me to love him, but still I do from the closest horizon away from him that I can.

I will cherish each day for what challenges it brings. I will savor each emotion I feel because each day is my first, just as it is my last.

I will write for myself and for those whose silent voices need to be heard. And especially for those who need to hear the silent voices.

I will photograph images that portray the simple unobtrusive beauty of life that lets us live with courage and hope for something better.

I will sing of joy and pain, hurt and ecstasy, confusion and enlightenment, love and hate.

I will not waste the pretty.


On the eve of my day (yes, I am being selfish about it and calling it mine), I thank the people who have made this past year a full one. (O, this is not in any particular order ha!)

Sandy - for showing me how love can be the most beautiful perfect thing in life, with or without color, with or without race, with or without noise, with or without sugar (haha), but always with patience and thoughtfulness and an open heart and....(ahem)alcohol hahaha. I will treasure our memory.

Poch - for allowing our friendship to grow deeper as time goes by and for growing more and more mature with me as time has gone by. Your listening skills, insights, and social skills match mine par none.

Carmen - for being the no-holds-barred buddy who has been with me through boring non-day-days and eventful crappy, sappy, weird, zany days.We've known each other almost 10 years now. Holy Cow!

Cha - for being the silent friend, ready to listen, ready to comfort, ready to berate. You are indeed a Sagitarrian. I wish for you to grow in your skin and know that sometimes, actions do speak louder than words.

C3, c4, c1, and papsky - for showing me how functional a dysfunctional family can be. For being who you are, and for letting me intrude on your personal lives, because (for real), I do give a damn.

Jas - for being the best work mentor-slash-buddy-slash-zuma-cum-laude-friend-slash-coffee-at-genes-and-coffee-in-the-morning-seatmate a girl can have.

Xian - for reading my blog, always and forever, for being a good photog buddy, for always being ready for my inum challenges and weekend spur-of-the-moment shy*t hahaha. Mabango pa rin ang light.

Miken - for being my ever-ready stogey mate, during my stress moments and yours. I never knew that ten to fifteen minutes a day could make two people more buddies than drinking buds are.

Tinto - for being my run-to-escape-the-world-but-still-have-coffee-in-in-it buddy. When I'm 33...Hahaha

Jake - for being the 'catalyst of my adventurous spirit', and my drinking buddy in times of want for deep philosophical or shallow bullsh*t convo. And for sharing my love and hope for today and now.

H.O.P. - for being my support group (unbeknownst to you guys hahaha) after the breakup, and for showing me how much fun can be had even when you are a party of one.

Steven - for introducing me to JJ's hahaha. And always surprising me with his steady point of view. Inuman na.

Steve, Don, Amilcar, Dave, Deepa, Wan, Drew - for making my stay in Arlington not just about work, but also about getting to know myself through you guys. You made Arlington days more interesting than it would have been were I alone.

Macaroni Suicide - it has been a roller coaster of figuring out how to express ourselves through our music. Let's rock on.

My Officemates - for showing me how a team can continue to smile through the darkest of work days.

And to those who will read my blog, thanks for letting my words be a part of what resonates in your mind.

Malapit na pasko, so I plead insane emotion, by reason of "MAY MGA PAROL NA NAKASINDI, E ANO NGAYON..."