zhinesade's surreal world

everything about nothing

Monday, June 28, 2004

Past Weekend

WW 2 Memorial
Korean War Memorial
Washington Memorial
Vietnam Memorial
2941 restaurant

These are the spectacular places I went to this past weekend. The memorials were full of people, probably because it was very sunny outside. I had a lunch picnic under one of the willow trees bordering the Potomac right before we did The Mall tour haha.

2941 is the best restaurant I've been to in DC. Folks near here should try it. People who are planning to visit DC and who happen to be food conossieurs...I tell you, this place is awesome.

Anyway, gotta go home and do some exercising. I feel fat from all the food :-P

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Cyber cuties

Noooooo!!!!!!!!! This isn't about cute people online. It's about cool sites where they think they can label you based on certain criteria....

According to this site --> You are 28% evil(Me, not you, dear reader :P)--> You try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. You aren't quite on your way to hell but you certainly have some explaining to do.

According to this site, my US names can be any of the following (Note: I used variations of my real name and my nickname with my last name):
Suzanne Curry (I don't even like curry!)
Vanessa Austin (me likey!)
Joan Warner (sounds very average)
Katie Barber (model? porn star?)

'Yan muna. Let me know if you got a kick out of it too :P

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Boracay Guy

Snippet of an online conversation i had with a friend(let's call the friend Diva) in manila. We were talking about this guy who had introduced himself to me at Pier1 in Boracay. He(Guy) asked for my number and said maybe we could go out if he visited Manila. I said, sure, once he got his college degree(he dropped out) and passed the board exams.

diva: alam mo ba
diva: nagtext sa kin yung guy sa boracay
diva: yung sa pier
sade: HAHAHA
sade: kamusta daw?
sade: baket ka tinext daw? nasa manila?
diva: gusto mo malaman kung baket?
sade: yep
sade: baket?
diva: grabe ka talaga sis!
diva: hehehe
sade: hahahahahaha
sade: natawa naman ako dun
sade: pano sinabi?
diva: anong ginawa mo dun at naloloko yata sa beauty mo
diva: nangangamusta lang
sade: hahahaha sira
diva: tapos tinatanong # mo
sade: aaa
sade: e di bigay mo
sade: number ko dito :-D (take note: I am in the US right now)
diva: sige sige
sade: hahaha joke lang
diva: anong # mo dyan?
diva: bibigay ko talaga
diva: para di naman ako nahihirapan
diva: hahaha
diva: na-inggit daw
diva: hahaha
sade: hahahaha
sade: e ngekngek
sade: sabihin mo sabi ko dapat may trabaho na sya dito sa manila pag nagtext sya sa akin noh
sade: :-P
sade: ask mo kung meron na syang work sa manila
diva: wala
diva: balik probinsya daw sya
diva: para mag-aral yata
diva: or something
diva: di ko na pinansin kasi ikaw naman ang sadya at di ako
diva: hahaha
diva: :-)
sade: hahaha
sade: bitter :-P
diva: hahaha

My point is --- I didn't know that encouraging words, and a challenge, had such a strong effect. I thought it was just some random guy, and that we'd never hear from him again. I'm glad he's continuing his studies. I know I was not the only reason he continued his studies, but I'm glad to have helped contribute to his decision (I'm assuming a lil arrogantly that I did haha).

Note: I really am not interested in anything he has to offer right now. I love who I'm with. It was just one of those instances that make you believe you have a hand in the way the world works and moves.

But, then again, not really.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Family and Friends

Here's a shout out to my daddy-o. I was finally able to call him last night (after 4 months!!!). It was so nice to hear his voice.

Another shout-out, this one to my sistaru who's named 'Capi' (short for Capitan hehehe), who I was also able to call last night. She's the new superwoman, juggling between helping out the family, managing her personal life, social life, and starting up her career. Kaya mo yan, Kapatid!

Finally, a shout out to my best friend Jappy, who I was NOT able to call last night. He wasn't at home...Grrrr.. Hahaha. It was his birthday on June 12, and I just wanted to greet him. So, to anyone, within reading distance of this message in Manila, if you know someone named Jappy Lim, please let him know I said 'Happy Birthday' and 'I miss you'.


On a related note, I watched the first episode of "Who wants to marry my Dad" last night. Very interesting. The father was a bit handsome, I have to say. And the children looked like they had good heads on their shoulders. But, then again, there was also a bit too much crying going on. Tears when they had to boot two people off even before they met the father???? Harsh, but I don't think it's worth a tearful. Oh well. Hmm..Maybe that's what reality TV does to you...


I also was able to watch an episode of "For Love or Money" last night. There was a twist in last night's show (for those in Manila, I suggest just surfing the web for a summary of the whole show plot, if you haven't seen it ;D). The remaining girls were given the choice to see how much money was on their checks, in exchange for halving it. This one girl who was starting to fall in love with the bachelor (okay, in my mind, 'starting to fall in love' is in quotation marks, coz this is tv haha), decides that she just wants to show the guy that she doesn't care about the money's worth by looking at her check. BUT, the guy (and here, I have to say that guys can really be very clueless sometimes) thought that the reason she looked at it was because she wanted to know what the money was worth -- that she was basically a money-hungry lying conniving b**ch. Haha. Which was, of course, totally opposite from the truth. Grrr. Men are from Mars. And women are really just attracted to aliens. Ha.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Paul Johnson

I won't laugh as much this Friday night.

Paul Johnson was beheaded, I read in the news. Everyone's got their own say in the topic.
Mine is just a basic realization of how a war can seem so distant, especially since I'm not American. I feel like I'm not in any way connected to it. But Paul is a man. Human, like you and me.

Another tragedy that will live on as a testament of how idiotic man can be.

When exactly did we regress to apes?
(Did we ever really progress in the first place?)
I was taught to believe that we did.
(Oh come one, surely you don't think people are that bad.)
Yes we are.
(They have their principles. They'd rather die fighting for it. Surely you should understand.)
I would die for my own convictions. But kill others for it?

Someone make this foolish mind of mine understand, please.

PS. So do I weep for the son of the atheist who wanted 'under one Lord' out of the pledge.

Old Man

In the building where I work, there's this old man. He's not very friendly, because his job is to check that everyone entering the building has authority. You enter the building and you pass him on your left, in his oval desk that's called the reception desk. He looks at your ID. If you forget to lift it up (for him to see), he'll automatically say, 'Excuse me, ma'am,' so you look back, and show him your ID. Now, a lot of people hate his guts. Including me. You get to the office, it's pretty early. You have a mental list of things to do, you're already running late for an early morning conference call, and they have the nerve to stop you to check your ID. If I had half the nerve (and wasn't very scared of being bumped back to the Philippines in a heartbeat due to any unlawful act), I would show him my ID and ask him to shove it up his a**! I didn't want to be here this early on such a sunny day out in the first place.

Anyway, so everyone hates him (and his alternate receptionist too).

And then I saw him. Yesterday. He was eating a snack at the cafeteria. Alone. And reading a book. And looking every bit as normal as you and me.

It hit me like a wave of nausea. Only heavier. I was one of them. I was one of those people whom I detested so much in my younger, more idealistic days. It's Peter Pan's feeling when he grew up.

When I was younger, my curiosity always led me to look at people as people, in their singularity. Barenaked. Now, I can only see them in their roles. As cool yuppies, as geeks, as doctors, as waiters, as receptionists, as guards, as bus drivers. No faces, no hands, no hearts.

Oh man.

This old man. He's someone's son. Maybe someone's father. Maybe someone's brother. He voted and helped determine this country's fate. He laughed when he was happy, and cried when he was sad. He's experienced a loved one's death. He's experienced pain. Physical and emotional. Heartbreak. Fear. Hunger. Thought. He's human.

Am I?

I'm drowning in everyday's non-life. And forgetting the essentials of why I'm here in the first place.

Aren't you?

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

The "Ugly Duckling turned Pseudo-Swan" Feeling

Ho-hum. I didn't save the YM conversation, and that's my stupidity. It would've been easier to just paste it all in here and let the YM exchange speak for itself.

But here goes my mind's version.

You know how when you're an average high school kid, you think you can pass for a wallflower? I knew that feeling. I was in a high school were there was the 'Popular Crowd' and most everyone else were just extras, trying to get a speaking part.

Anyway, one day, this guy calls me and asks if I could be his grad ball date. I say 'Sure' in a heartbeat, not because he's cute or handsome or popular, but because it was just flattering to be noticed and/or asked. Let's call him Toffer. Okay. So Toffer introduces me to his friends, one of whom was Borg. And Borg just sucks me into his world, not because he is extremely handsome or popular, but because it felt so nice to just be around such a jolly person who was also a good conversationalist. And so we talked, and I developed a small crush on this Borg fella. But I didn't do anything about it because 1) he was Toffer's friend, who started courting me at the time, and 2) I convinced myself that nothing was going to come of it, because it was just a stupid crush. But me and Borg still talked, way after their grad ball was over. In fact, we became such good friends that I even invited him to my small kiddie party (in lieu of my debutant ball haha).

And then college happened. And my first true love. Most other fellas in my life (i.e. best friend, yes best friend Jappy, close family friends, etc), take the back seat. Some of them, like Borg, I think fell off the wagon. We lost touch.

Seven years later (more or less), Friendster comes to Manila like a plague, and I am swept in. One day, out of sheer boredom, I try and search for Borg. And lo and behold, he's there! So we become friendsters, and start talking again.

Fast forward to last Saturday. I come home from clubbing and decide it's not time for bed yet. So I log onto YM. And Borg is online. We start talking. And then he asks me about Michelle Bayle. And how she's a 'sexy star' in Manila these days, and how she used to be a schoolmate, and how her features changed, and that she was prettier way back. And then he tells me (in his words, not mine) that I could be a star. I said, 'No way!'. I was a wallflower, nothing more. And he disagreed. He saw me as a lovely woman, who was nice inside and out (Now, this is my version. I told you it was better if I had saved the YM exchange. Darnit!). Anyway, we both finally found out that we had a crush on each other way back in high school. The reason he didn't say anything was because Toffer was his friend, and he knew Toffer really really liked me (btw, I gave Toffer the old heave-ho kaboom outta there before I started college).

And I smiled. And I actually started to laugh that night, all alone, in front of my laptop. Not because I was an excited kid with a crush, but because it felt wonderful that someone saw me as more than a small girl with long hair in high school. He actually saw through me. And I guess, in a way, I saw through him too.

Thus, the Pseudo-Swan feeling.

Not to sound too full of myself, but these things have been happening to me a lot these days. There were days in the past when I truly believed no one saw me. That I amounted to nothing. And then there are days like these. Days when you realize that you misjudged the past. That people actually saw you more than just as a small girl with long hair. That people actually noticed that you made a lot of sense, that you could sing better than average, that you had nice lips, and animated eyes, and a good heart.

But don't anybody worry. We're not planning on reliving our high school crushes. He's quite happy with his girlfriend and I'm more than content with my boyfriend. It was just nice going down memory lane and seeing things in a new light.

Life's nice like that, don't you think.

Everyone deserves a sunny walk down memory lane once in a while, I think.

Monday, June 14, 2004


Someone just pointed out another stark cultural difference to me. It seems that Americans are more sensitive when it comes to weight-talk than Filipinos are. I know that back home, it's very common to hear your friends say 'Tumataba ah,' or hear your sister say 'Antaba mo na.' In the US., however, people take offense when you tell them 'Hey, you've gotten bigger,' or worse, 'You've gotten fat.'
I asked my friend what was the most unoffensive way to casually talk about weight. Kasi di ba sa 'Pinas naman, mostly kebs lang tayo pag sinabihan na mataba ka noh. Apparently, you should say something like 'You seemt o be gaining a little weight,' or 'You looked a bit on the heavy side in these pictures.'

Duh. Duh. Duh.


It's all so funny.

People around the world are dying, and all we can think to be defensive about is the way people tell us we spend too much time with food...

What about when people think we spend too much money on shoes? or bags? or --- God forbid --- on whitening products, whilst small kids are forced into prostitution for lack of food?

Still laughing?

Worse yet, still offended?

Friday, June 11, 2004

In the dumps

Okay. Deep breaths.
I feel like I'm drowning. I guess this is my payback for thinking some OFW's are lame.

It really doesn't matter if you're in the US as a nurse or as a consultant, you're still very far away from your family.

And, in the beginning, it's fun and exciting. That is, until your Manila life catches up to you.

And then you start missing friends. And your family. And your sister who you fought with all the time when you were back home. And you miss the sights and sounds of it all.

And then you think, 'Well, hey, the reason I'm way out here is to help them.' But it just doesn't cut it sometimes. Money is important, that much is for sure. Wihtout it, you wan't be able to put food on your plate, or put your kids through school, or pay for electricity, and water, or pay for the house. And that's supposed to justify the distance and the loneliness and alienation (and add to that that sometimes, you think that the folks there seemed to forget you existed).

I don't know what it is, really. I can't point a finger at exactly what I'm feeling. But it's something close to the realization that your time can be as valuable as your money.

Time and Money. If you had to choose, which one would you rather take?
Enter Exhibit 1. You were one of the wealthiest people in the wrold, but you had no time for anyone else because work took all your time. So your friends were your clients and your calls and your documents. But you had all the money to give away to the wife/husband, kids, siblings, friends. Would that cut it?
Enter exhibit 2. You're a bum ...hmm.. not a good example nor realistic. Okay, okay. Say you had a low-paying job as a waitress or as a gasoline boy. But you came home to a family that loved having you around. That grew from your wisdom. That was guided by your hand. And you didn't do overtime, so you had time to spend with them, watching them grow up, and make their mistakes, and learn from their mistakes. And you were there when they were at their worst, and you were there when they were at their happiest. But you ate hand-to-mouth and you were barely making ends meet. Would that cut it?

I can't make the decision. Not right now, anyway. But then, again, I'm thinking extremes here. Maybe that's what depression does to a person. I don't know.

Maybe I'm taking everything out of proportion. I'm just trying to understand where all this loneliness came from. If it's something that I can fix, then let it be fixed soon. If not, then maybe I should just shrivel up and disappear until the feeling becomes my friend. Then maybe I won't try to fight it too hard...and maybe then, all will be roses.

Thursday, June 10, 2004


(tula para sa mga dating minahal)

Sana'y hindi ka tuluyang naglaho
nang sinabi kong
"kailangan ko ng panahong
mag-isa "
para tuklasin ang bagong mundo ng kolehiyo

Sana'y hindi ka tuluyang nalulong sa kalungkutan
nang sinabi kong
"huwag muna, dahil ayaw ng
magulang mo"
na magkaroon ka ng kasintahang tulad ko.

Sana'y hindi mo tuluyang binaba ang telepono
nang sinabi kong
"kung gusto mo siya, kaya kong
hindi na tayo"
dahil mahal kita ngunit ang layo mo.

Sana'y hindi ka pumayag
nang sinabi kong
"sayang, tapos na, bakit kasi nagpunta
sa piling nya?"
kahit andito ako't minamahal ka.

sana'y nagpumiglas
sana'y nagpakabingi
sana'y naghintay
isang munting

Baka sana'y nagbago
ang ihip ng hangin
at natulak muli ako
sa piling mo.

Monday, June 07, 2004


I noticed my hit count went up the past few days. Probably has something to do with the links I put up (haha, I'm such a cheater). Anyways, to those of you who have visited my site, thanks. It's a bit flattering, to tell the truth (especially if you bookmark the site, or leave comments, kahit panget hahaha).

Yun lang po. Bow.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Sex on the Beach


It's been spoken about as a fantasy for some(most?) men, and as a really good cocktail drink at bars, but this is the first time I've actually seen it done. Literally.

Unbelievable. They could not have been more than fifty feet from me and my companion. Yet, there they were, doing the deed. Shameless (I say this with a neutral tone at this point).

I'm not one to judge, but I asked my companion if that was legal, and he said 'No'. Of course, he couldn't see what was happening because the stage was set to his right, and he was looking left (me). Ha! I got the good seat.

Now, let's think about this. Is the sexual act illegal outside of closed because..... ???

A couple of weird explanations come to mind:
- we'd be no better than dogs
- people would get into accidents if they see these goings-on and forget to pay attention to what they were doing (i.e. surfing, driving, mowing the lawn)
- because sex is something that should be kept in the bedroom (i.e. kept between the parties involved, nto spoken about, something that people should be embarrassed about).

Two out of three reasons I could think of were socio-cultural in nature. Interesting (Of course, not to say that these are the ONLY possible reasons. They're just the reasons that come to MY mind).

Enter Da Vinci Code. Where sex was a celebration of man and woman become one, witnessed by followers/believers.

I leave the rest of the thinking up to you. I'm not saying that what I saw was judged wrong or right in my eyes. I'm not even saying that you should judge it wrong or right in your eyes. I'm just giving you a taste of what goes through one's mind when faced with realities like this.

I still say I disagree about the fantasy, only because even my feet have a hard time liking the coarse sands of most beaches, let alone thinking other people would love to lie and roll around in it.

Okay, okay. This is a wholesome site so I better stop right there.

So where was I? Haha. Ah, I'm sticking to the bar drink, I think.

Friday, June 04, 2004

What's up with Florida?


I had to force myself to start writing this because, by tomorrow, I know I would have forgotten most of the nice things that went on there.

The thing is, though, there's nothing much to say. We stayed at Fort Lauderdale and went halfway to Naples, and back down to South Florida.

Millionaire's Row Cruise
Billy's Swamp Safari
South Beach Pahhh-teee
Las Olas Boulevard and A1A Beachfront Avenue (I hear Ice, Ice Baby in the background haha)

Don't get me wrong here, and Florida folks, don't start the hatin'.

Lemme explain a bit. See, the place was great. But my company was AWESOME. So, the sunny place was overshadowed by memories of who I spent it with.

Pretty hard to explain. You'll understand when you're in the moment.

If I need to explain to you, you've never been in love.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Keep Right

Yep. That's what the sign said in my high school. And the sign was everywhere too. Not just in the corridors, it was on the walls of staircases, in the cafeteria, even in the library.

And now, here I am, working in the US, and people don't seem to have the same rule of thumb.

And I thought that the KEEP RIGHT rule was rule of thumb here too, because, hey, everyone drives on the right side of the road, right?

I go down to take my yosi break (doot-di-doot-di-doo), I turn right at a corner, and there I am, face to face with a tall african-american, who just turned left on the same corner. I mutter 'excuse me', he mutters 'sorry' and we do a little shuffle, coz I try to move right and he moves to his left. I then move left (not easy, mind you), and he moves to his right too. In my head, I go "What the ^@$#!!!!"

And so I think, maybe it's just a general rule in my country. Just like it's a general rule int he US nto to honk your horn unless absolutely necessary (and it's not the same way in Manila, believe you me). But I may be wrong. I come from a third-world country called the Philippines, and that's my excuse.

They should put that rule down somewhere in US books. Maybe it'll end up preventing a war. Or maybe just prevent people from making their own lines in the cafeteria.

Hey, it won't cure AIDS, but when you read KEEP RIGHT, you hope people remember that and try to dig deeper and see why it's such a good rule to have in your life.

"Okay, Judge, here's the deal. This is my first offense, and I have always managed to KEEP RIGHT before. Gimme a chance will ya?"

Might work, you think?

Well, maybe you're right. It might not work when you're talking about murder or millions of dollars. But what the heck, i'd give it a try if a policeman pulls me over.


Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I found out today

Three men are writing about me in their blogs.

I initially thought that that was quite flattering, to tell you the truth. It's my little secret. Only I know that I have become a topic. A TOPIC.

Not a person, but a thought put into words. That's all I am, apparently.

In one, I'm one of the really genuine girls he quickly fell in love with; in the other, I am the evil witch who pretended to be the fairy-tale princess; in the last, ... well, that's for me to know and for you to find out (ha ha).

Anyway, nobody really cares what they think of me except me so it's not such a big deal for you, I know.

Five minutes from now, when I kiss my boyfriend, I really won't care too.



Hey Mister

See, he never called her pretty. He never told her that he couldn't live without her. He never asked to see how her day went. He never told her how happy he made her feel.

He didn't like her outfits, her belly, her hands.
He didn't like the way she sounded so corny, so mushy.
He didn't like the way she brushed her teeth or the way she was picky about food.
He didn't like it when her hair was down all the time.
He didn't like the way she complimented him on things.
He didn't like the way she thought of him as full of potential.

But he liked her.
Or at least he said he did.
No, wait. He never really said that either.

He just talked.
Messed with her mind.
Until he got what he wanted.
And then she asked for more.
Like love.
And he was wary to give it to her.
But, finally he gave in, probably more out of annoyance than anything.
And for a while there, they pretended to be in love.

Until one night, he fumbled.
And she saw through, but wouldn't make herself believe
that this man was a boy. Just a boy.

She held on.
but he threw her down.
He needed to be alone.
With his buddies.
Yep, with his buddies, alone.

And then she left him alone,
and then he screwed around with someone else's head
and left her to shrivel up and die.

And he thinks she's stupid and fake for being bitter.
For making him think that maybe she was a bit pretty,
that maybe her clothes were not too bad
that maybe she did have a mind of her own
that maybe she was not always patient and kind, but she tried.

In his head, this one mistake of her feeling betrayed
and being bitter about it.
That was her downfall.
That made her unworthy of him.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I think he pretty much convinced her she was worthless as shit.

And now he hates her for acting like one.

Hey mister, you just can't drive away, pointing a finger at her.
Well, I guess you can. That's what you've always done.
Pointed fingers at their faults.

And you're perfect, right? You're very ethical, and very honest, and very much the man that your sister would be proud of.

Grow up.

No one's perfect. She was bitter. She admitted it.
Didn't you listen? Or were you just too wrapped up in the mind games you played with yourself to care.

Bitch about her. Wish her dead. But don't go judging her actions without knowing her side of it.

I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, even when you fucked up pretty bad.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Cut my Hand

Just to see
if I bleed
Just to see
if tears will fall
Just to see
if I might moan
and speak in tongues

Just to see
if maybe
i might
lose my wings
and fall
to the ground
where you lay.