Jack

Jack was her classmate in school, but they never really talked. Years later, they met by accident, and started keeping in touch. They sent messages to each other and exchanged stories. They found they had a lot of things in common, and decided to meet up.

That's how it all started.

Two years later, she had to force herself to end what they both knew was obviously going nowhere.

That's how it ended.

Or so she thought.

She was an addict, and he was her drug. It wasn't like she couldn't have anyone else. She could, she did. But whenever she felt him, saw him, she had to watch out. She knew she could fall back into that hole again, and it wouldn't be a pretty picture.

So Jack went up his beanstalk, and she had to make sure she never climbed that beanstalk ever again.

And he had to make sure he never went back down.

Keyboard Clicking

Thinking thoughts that control my mind... will they control my mind if my mind tries to control them? When by control I mean I think about them and get them organized in a way that makes them less effective in their effect, are they diminished? Or when one says that I should focus on my intent instead, do they then mean more? As if by not giving them attention and by not facing them head on, the peripheral vision and senses are heightened and they occupy more space in the brain than they would have had I acknowledged them and threw them away as if they were useless as far as my energy was concerned.

I negate myself in this line of questioning (and by ‘negate’ I mean I negatively impact what I set out to clarify in the first place) with the “not’s” all over the place, and I know this. Still, I write as if I am not bound by space, time, life, or rules. I just write. I am my writing, my writing is me. I question my thoughts, and all I know is I “be” with my thoughts when I write them and they “are” me when pen touches paper (or, in this case, keyboard interacts with monitor). My negation, in effect, is an affirmation of my intent to write. Plus, it was also said that emotions behind words are not necessarily negative. As when I say “I sometimes feel sad”, it doesn’t mean I am not over-all joyful. As has been said, sadness in and of itself is not a negative, but just a form of energy influx. And by writing it down, and acknowledging its presence, I diminish it, and I turn it into words. Thoughtful words, precise words, beautiful words. Then, sadness is not a feeling; sadness has transformed into a state that has shown me this pathway to expression. And energy is released while I am typing away on my keyboard, my eyes going over the words as my hands automatically write down what my mind is thinking, one click of the keyboard key per nanosecond of breath-full thinking about the sadness that can encompass and engulf a lifetime, or that which is energy that can free someone’s creativity to recreate a moment, minute, hour, day, or whole existence --- if they wish it, if they believe it, if they do it --- for others to read, relate to, learn from, or just ‘be’ with.

I did. I do. I will.

Pause. Done. Crackle. Click. S-t-o-p.