Princess Bride

Can’t really tell what’s happening to me. All I know is the day seems a bit more tolerable. And the work seems to go much easier…And emotions are a little lighter…Light, but not fleeting.

But it’s been so long.
Too long.
And I don’t know if I still have the strength in me
To try once more.

Scared, I cower in the shadows.
But when light comes, all you will see
Are my shiny, moist eyes
And my indefinable hint of a smile.

I don’t know how to let go
And maybe that is my problem.
I don’t want to try to let go.
And maybe that’s the point of it all.

Through every path I took before,
I always ended up in mazes
Where the only escape or exit
Lay in my jumping into the quicksand
And waking up in a strange, quiet and lonely place.

Butterflies….been so very long since I’ve seen them this delicate.
Pains me to see them
So afraid to stare at them too long
Let alone touch them,
For fear of finding out it’s all just
a dream.

And like a tree that’s passed through summer and winter,
Sleet, rain, and warm bright days,
I am old and tired.
I think I am quite contented with what I have right now.
Still clinging to the past.
Still thinking that yesterday is always better that today
Or tomorrow.

That child in the windowsill.
I know she is kind.
I know she means well,
But when she comes near, I remember the pain of winters alone
After beautiful summers
And the hunger for cool water during scorching heat waves
And I don’t think I can bear another one
Of those fantasies
Though the vision holds promise.

Someone, please.
Don’t know what you can do.
But any gesture of kindness
Is most welcome.

Note: Wrote this two and a half years ago. Seems that was a long time ago, but the feeling is somehow still in the air. Always in the stale air.

Stopped

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody is watching.

Someone sent me this email. It seemed really nice. Simple and real. And I wish I could still write nice poems like I did once before. Before I got into this mess that I now call my life. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have money. And yes, I do as I please. Still, I am not where I once wanted to be.

Was it the lovely fairy that I left when I entered the world of maturity? Was it Santa and his magical Christmas that I left when I stopped believing that people did care? Was it the magnificent unicorn and its healing power that I left when I filled my head with talk of technology, stocks, investments, and garb?

I don’t know exactly when I stopped looking at the sky.
I don’t know exactly when I stopped dancing in the rain.
I don’t know exactly when I stopped listening to the sounds of the world.
I don’t know exactly when I stopped dreaming.
I don’t know exactly when I stopped laughing like a child.
I don’t know exactly when I stopped.
I just remember that life overtook me.
And this is what life’s supposed to be.
Then death must be such a beautiful thing.
A chance to end the silence and renew my commitment to life.

Bliss

Note: I wrote this when I was falling crazy in love for someone a couple of years back. As one song goes, 'I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore'....

Just thought that rehashing it might make me more of a believer in love again.

*************************************************************

I don’t know of anything there is to say that will encompass the totality of my emotions…that will grasp this deep longing within me that seeks to be heard, that seeks to be quenched…that seeks to be tided over by nothing less than a smile, a whisper, a caress.

Never thought it could be like this. That it could come this easy. And, even at this moment, I am still unsure about everything. Hesitant to accept this growing feeling that I nourish within me with every thought I have about him, about me, about us that I have.

I am drowned in this sea of romance, alone, yet never lonely. I wish to shout to the highest heavens and let the deepest of seas hear what sweet melodies are singing in my soul at this very instant. And every other instant I keep myself too from wandering even farther into my consciousness, for fear of trapping myself in the abyss that is my mind and body and soul.

No one can know for no one will understand. And why would they? This feeling is like no other I have ever felt, much less known to a tee. It is of elements that one only dreams of, that one only cares to imagine in that happiest of nights when the stars shine the brightest seeming to us that they will heed even the most intense of our longings.

This is not to say that I do know exactly what this is I am feeling. On the other hand, utter chaos is ruling my insides. Lined inside me is confusion, bubbling laughter and the ecstasy of sweet nothing and everything rolled into a sumptuous feast of delightful murmurs that no one, not even I can comprehend. Yet I do not wish to isolate any aspect of this growing feeling, for I might miss the entirety altogether. On the other hand, if I delve into this completeness too much, I might get sucked into the feeling until I am nothing but pure and sheer bliss. And that would not be good. For I would not be able to appreciate the bumps, curves, black holes, and white corners.

No labels, too, for that might confuse me more. Or it might confuse others into believing they too can feel this. Or that they can rationalize it. Or what may come after it. After this highest of high has left my system.

Dear God, I hope it never leaves, this wonderful feeling of nothingness and completeness all rolled into one. It might leave me empty, scrapped to the bone, alone in my deep solitude for nothing but it supreme and absolute return. And I do not know when I might come upon it again, just like I never expected it to creep upon me when it did. All I know is that I was content then, but I am in sheer delight now. And if I were to choose between the two, I do not know whether I would choose the certain path or this uncertain bumpy one with lots of curves and crevices.

There is nothing I know at this instant except for the complete knowledge that this is a conscious taste of what heaven must be like.

Interesting

For the record, yesterday, Feb 24 was a milestone for several reasons....
I let go and leaped into the unknown, with eyes closed and arms open
I decided to try and live the 'good' life, starting today.

One of these, I'm gonna try to make last, the other is good for 40 days as my Lent 'panata', and then God knows what will happen when that's done....

Eeni-meenie-mayni-mow. You figure it out. I'm too busy looking at the good side of things to dwell on these matters. But someday, I'm sure it'll creep up on me. But until then, I'm free and happy, and lovin' it hahaha.

Choose to love

A friend once pinged me a message. Do you decide to love, she asked.

The wheels in my head started to turn. Mind you, it's really hard to get into the mindset of philosophizing about love when it's had you nauseous from ups and downs and sideway turns for no less than four years.

I said it was a decision. Someone always chose to love. It was a conscious decision. BUt my friend disagreed. She said that the first moment you realized you were falling love was NOT a decision. It just happened. I did not agree.

My point was, even the thought 'hey, i think i'm falling in love' is an admission of some sort. WHen you entertain the possibility, you choose to think it. It does not force itself upon you. It's a decision in your mind to accept that new framework for seeing a possible chance at love.

Many romantics will disagree, I know. Stuff like 'it just hit me' and 'The first time I saw him, I knew' or 'I just knew the moment he smiled at me when we had that wonderful cup of coffee after that nice dinner'.

Get a grip, I say.

Love is a decision. A decision to think about love and think about the person you love in that context. Without that decision, you would never be able to identify that you had loved. It would just be a natural feeling of being really nice to a person (might even the reach the point of looking incestuous), in a silly twilight-zone kind of way, if you never chose to recognize love when it shows up on your front door.

Kinda like seeing an old drunk on the street but not recognizing that he is a lonely, confused, needy human being just like you.

Do you get me or do I still have to spell it out for you?

Argh, never mind. Time's a-wasting. Get on with your life and stop reading this.

Moral lesson is --- choose, choose, choose. Never play it safe or you'll never get anywhere spectacular.

And so in the words of my close friend Melv, 'Chow!' nyahahaha.

Winter

rain sleet hail snow
Momma’s out late
Daddy’s in the know

rain sleet hail snow
Dead man walking
In the mirror I saw

rain sleet hail snow
I do not have
Any place to go

rain sleet hail snow
The cold comforts
A lonely who’

rain sleet hail snow
Flakes cover up
Sin and flaw

rain sleet hail snow
My body there
A shadow show

rain sleet hail snow
melted and now
flowers grow