a different kind of letting go

Just when you thought you had it all figured out, life bears down on you and surprises you with an uppercut. A nasty one. The kind that makes you reel in pain, and blinds you with such intensity that your most ardent wish is to just slam your body against the floor, and never, ever wake up. Until after the referee calls it. Until after the lights are down. Until after the audience has gone.


For years and years, I've tried to be the mother she never had. I loved her with all the love a sister could muster for her own blood, imperfections and all. Like all broken china dolls, us sisters didn't turn out the perfect shade or shape or mold. We each dealt with it the best way we could, with me hanging on to the 'mommy' role longest, because I knew I could hack it. It was my therapy too.

A few days ago, I realized I had been hanging on too long. My shobe is now a lovely queen in her own right. Established, knowledgeable, loving, and responsible in her own ways, weird though they may seem to others' eyes. She turned out wonderfully unique, I think. I was just too busy protecting her from imagined pain to fully comprehend this. Not anymore. Try as I might to shield her from pain, I know I can't control her or hide her away forever. She has learned all she can learn from me. I have shown her all the things she should and should not do. Now, it's her turn. To feel love. And pain. And happiness. And hurt. And confusion. And romance. And frustration. And giddiness. And misery. And life.

Past the quarter-life crisis age, I learn yet another new thing. From a soul I helped strengthen, no less.

And so, here I am, silently letting you go, with all the love and strength a mother can muster for her dear child. And all the hidden anguish and pain that comes with it.

Mary, grant me strength.

Almost Paradise

I was on a much-deserved 4-day break sometIme lat week, and I feel refreshed and alive. It wasn't the place so much as it was the peace of mind that somehow came over me sometime during the whole experience. I am a traveller, no doubt about it.
***
I had a few thoughts, though. And you, I want you to know they were about you, about us. We went on a river cruise, and I remembered the sunset cruise we were on a couple of months back. We trekked, and I remember our first and last trek. We walked on the beach, and I remembered us doing the same thing, half a world away. I sat atop a hill and remembered us overlooking that amazing volcano, juicein hand. We swam in the infinity pool and I remember a conversation that we had about that, and the last time I had a drink at a poolbar. Things are so much different now. Nice, but different. I don't quite miss you, you know. But I do cherish everything we went through, whether I was able to tell you so or not. Hopefully, you'll know anyway.
***
The province, like my life, had a few bumps in the road. Here and there, the car would turn a corner and the driver would need tonecessarily slow down to avoid damaging the tires and the car' underside. I guess I was that car acouple of years back. Bumps in the road were a-plenty, and life seemed to move along ever so slowly. Looks like I hit the highway, sometime during the year, though, and I'm thankfully back in pace with every other Joe and Jane around me. Or so we'd all rather believe.
***
I had some alone time when I was there, although the whole vacation was basically a girlfriends' getaway. It was nice to explore womanhood in ways that only I was privy to. In the mental way, of course. We were more comfortable with our womanhood and with our bodies, and we flaunted what we had. We were on vacation and lounged around without care for anyone else but ourselves. I ate what I wanted to, when and where I wanted to. I did things and activites that I preferred to, not because they were the norm, but because I wanted to. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that after 26 years of being me (with all the bumps in the road, of course), I've finally become comfortable with who I am. It's an awesome feeling. Something that I wish every woman can experience for themselves.
***
More than the sights and the activities, I think I'll remember one particular dinner the most. Aside from the overabundant food on the table, company was great, live music was played on the piano by a loving father, and arrangements were prepared by a doting, loving mother. No words nor photos could ever describe how that moment felt. It was almost paradise, somewhere between my waking world and someone's dream.
***
So, yeah, the vacation was more than just a getaway. It was an isolation of sorts --- an isolation of ME, being away from my world, being one with the world, and looking at the world, all in the same instant.

Lights Up

Lights! Camera! Action!

You know how you feel right after the lights go up inside the theater after a good movie? For a split second, you're torn between not wanting the film to end and wanting to analyze the beauty of what just transpired before your eyes. That's how women normally are. 'I miss...' are common words I hear almost everyday from friends, especially from those who have had marvelous experiences in the past year that (because of one thing or another) are now referred to in the past tense. I used to be the same way. But things took a turn somewhere between Virginia and the Manila, and now, I think I like it better when the lights are up. I mean, the experiences were all good and memorable, but once you've enjoyed the moment by living in THAT moment, then there's no need to turn back and say 'I MISS' that moment when in fact, you not only DID NOT MISS IT, you were the focal point of that experience in your eyes. If that moment didn't excite a 'living' emotion in you, then there's soemthing wrong and you definitely will miss it because you missed the whole point of it. But if it made you feel like you were alive and whole (or more whole than you were before the experience), then you will remember it fondly, but not 'MISS' it, because you know that even if the exact same thing happened again, it wouldn't feel the same. Because you already got from the experience what you needed to get from it, and no one can take that away from you or duplicate or replace that. Ever.

And after the lights are up, you stand up from your seat and remember the age-old saying 'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans,' and if you're lucky, you heed that little voice, and let it guide you toward your next fabulous 'MOMENT'.

So, moment after moment, you're in there, just soaking up the things that you won't miss, because you gave it all, and you juiced it for what it's worth. Just by being in the moment and being you.

***

My moments have come in much-awaited leaps and bounds this season (yes, I think in seasons now...must be an effect of being away from Manila for longer than I expected). And I'm not speaking of moments made memorable by something big happening either. Some moments happen when I'm busily typing away at work, or quietly smoking a cig, or riding a cab, or just drinking at a non-bar with some non-buddies. I guess, that's just the way it goes. Sometimes, you think of moments as big events and seasons, but it moves you only two boxes forward. And then, when you least expect it, and nothing particularly 'momentous' is happening, you suddenly are given a 'GET-OUT-OF-JAIL' card, plus some pocket cash and skips over the next few boxes. Suddenly, things are looking good. Just when you started to define your loss, you suddenly gain a world of possibilities.

C'est la vie.

***

And speaking of living in the moment, the band's moving forward, thank heavens. And me and some office pals have finally officially enrolled in Boxing. Like my friend loves to say 'Diz eez eet!' Hopefully, she's right, and this is the rebirth of my 'Get Fit, or Lose' routine. Unlike, high school and college, though, where I ran to compete in track meets and a half-marathon (respectively), now I'm going to be boxing for my life. To get fit and healthy, I mean. Yeah, yeah, and the smokes are gonna need to stop too. One thing at a time, okay. After all, I AM only human (and no, you're not allowed to start singing the song in your head :P).

***

Ooh, letting anyone who cares to listen know (which is actually around 2 people, I think hahaha), I had dinner at Circles, and the food was delicious. I also met up with 2 girl friends and watched "La Flaqueza del bolchevique", a film featured in Pelicula Pelikula in GB1. And can I just say, it still amazes me how love themes are so universal, but cultures make them so unique in their own special way. The added bonus of the film being in spanish also made me look at the visuals, more than read the dialogue (subtitles). I haven't done that in a really long time. Twas something I learned in a film class back in college, and practiced noticing when I started watching art films. I'd forgotten about it for around two years, until I watched Cinema Europa the other week. Now, the critical movie-watching is back, in bits and pieces. However, words, intonations, emotions, still get lost in the translation. And I guess this is always a challenge for film-makers who wish their pieces to be noticed and watched abroad. Thank goodness my hobbies aren't as complicated.

***

Another realization hit me last night. I like emotionally unavailable men aka I am a masochist. Sucks to be me and realize this after sabotaging a past relationship which was pretty good, but lacked the pizzazz of me getting emotionally bombarded with the whole gamut of negative emotions. No fuss, no muss, though. At least I didn't end up with an emotionally abusive beau, or worse, husband. Ew.

***

When people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend, it's like they think having none is a disease that they must not catch. Then, they try and fix me up for 'serious' dates(whatever the hell that's supposed to mean), or try to psycho-analyze why I'm not ready. Why is that? Is there some rule that states you have to be in a relationship to be happy? I am happy. And no, I'm not just pretending to be. Even Starbucks people have a different spiel when you're alone than when you're with someone. They ask you if you're having your cappucino 'to go' because they see you enter alone. Bias, bias, bias. It doesn't suck to drink coffee alone, you know. What sucks more is if you drink coffee with someone who's useless company. You'd rather have them be invisible to avoid the awkward moments. My moments alone are jsut fine, thank you verymuch.

***

The weekend is coming, and I have to go to the office to complete some training. Sucks to be me, I know. BUT, I do have plans for drinking with photo-buds at night, so I think, all in all, it's been a pretty darn good week, plus a 'GET-OUT-OF-JAIL' card too.

Now, go on and have YOUR moments. I dare you. :D