why, not when

I am most easily disturbed when my mind is trying not to meddle into affairs of the heart. Someone teased me the other day about someone else, but it was your face that quickly entered my mind. I shrugged and erased you in my mind, and then you were standing there, looking at me most innocently. The time of the day doesn't matter, nor does the day of the week. What matters is when I think of you, that I think of you at all.

Because no one even knows I think of you.

Not them.

Not you.

I'm even keeping you from myself.

And that's when you stare me down in my sleep, your stare lingering for what seems like forever.

The sense is almost too overwhelming that I have to wake myself up to hide the totality of me from you.

Again, a sudden creeping into my mind when I least expect it. You are not at all who I was gunning for. But you now reside in the recesses of my perturbed surreal mind, and I will let you stay there. At least until I find something else that fancies my idle mind in wee bit moments of lonesomeness.

***

Yours truly was on a date sometime last week. It was fun, he was fun, we had fun. He's not my type, really, but good conversation was flowing and everything was out in the open, and everything was going smoothly. And then, like a blind corner, he asked me the question that made me verbally go 'whoa!'.

The question ---

"When are you planning to get married?"

Now, can anyone tell me why this is important to know on a first date? I thought only women were psychos when it came to ticking body bombs, er..clocks, and were thinking about marriage and children ont he first date. I most certainly did not expect this question from A GUY.

I laughed. Flicked my hair. And answered him. I acted nonchalantly about it, but for the rest of the night I wondered. Not about why he asked me. Dear gawd, i wasn't that into him to overanalyze him.

I wondered why the question was "When" instead of "Why", as in 'Why would you get married?', or more simply, 'what would make you ready to be married?'

I will marry when I find him, or he finds me. I will marry when I can no longer contain the feeling of joy and overwhelming happiness I feel with the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Marriage will give me the right to shout it out for all the world to hear, without me sounding like a crazed hopeless stalker or obsessed psycho woman. Marriage will make all of this official for me. But I have got to have it, before I decide to tie the knot.

People give themselves timelines for their fairy tales. I should know, I'm one of them. But I think today's people think happy endings only happen with layers of cake, satin gowns, a shower of petals, and saying 'I do".

We should remember, fairy tales always ended with "And they lived happily ever after".

I've never read a fairy tale that ended with "And they married happily ever after".

***

Been pretty busy the past couple.... bah, you guys know the drill.

Boxing, reading, eating out, band-jamming, drinking, badminton, sight-seeing, online-gaming, and partying.

What can I say...a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

14500

The blog's been visited 14,500 times na.

Wala lang.

It's a much bigger number than the number of people I've crossed paths with in my entire life...(i think)...

-ber wishes

This is the second time I'm doing this. It was mostly just wishful thinking last year. But that wish list turned out pretty nifty.

Here's an update on those:
1. My very own RAV4 (click here), 2-door, 4-wd -- didn't get this, but just paid the reservation fee for my brand new condo...whoop-dee-doo!
2. Canon EOS 20D (click here). -- got it!
3. 18 oz. Dufferin Phantom Cue Stick -- got it!
4. Shopaholic Series by Kinsella -- got it!
5. The Ansel Adams Guide and Shooting Digital -- got it!
6. 3Com HomeConnect Digital Camera/Webcam -- got it!
7. Dave Koz' 'Lucky Man' and 'Off the Beaten Path' -- Got it from the office exchange gift-giving.
8. 'Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife' and 'Persuasion' - got Persusasion. Still don't have the other one.
9. Backpacking in Europe -- this is a big one, and I still haven't done that. Still gonna be on my list for next year.
10. Canon s230 Waterproof Case WP-DC600 -- haven't bought this yet. But with my new cam, i don't think I'm gonna need it anytime soon.

Now, I know that wish lists are more for me than for anyone else, although gifts are much appreciated hahaha.

December 2005 - December 2006 Wish List:
1. Flowers on my birthday -- I know, I know, I shouldn't expect any, especially since I am most romantically unattached. But if I don't get any this year, it'll be the first time since I turned 18 that I won't have them. Please, please, someone hear me and send me flowers anonymously. I promise not to ask who....I know it's pathetic but I don't care :-P
2. 1-GB CF Card to go with my now fully-paid 20D (woohoo)
3. Speedlite 580EX Canon Flash. 'Di masamang mangarap hahaha.
4.Gift Certificate for a full-body massage, a facial, manicure, and pedicure treatment. God knows I desperately need one. What a girl wants.
5. Backpacking in Asia... Chaka na yung Europe. Baby steps, baby steps. Hahaha.
6. Filters for the cam...
7. "The Devil and Miss Prym" and "O Zahir" by Paolo Coehlo
8. DVD player -- for my new house, of course.
9. Sex and the City DVD's (all seasons), to go with my DVD player haha.
10. Cutlery, china, and other kitchenware for my very own kitchen (I'm actually very, very excited to try experimenting in this area).

Ooh, and love and peace for all mankind. Right.

Will update as I remember things that I did want, if I wasn't saving up money to spend on the new pad.

Frustration

A couple o' days ago, I was feeling frustration; the kind that doesn't let you think about anything else; the kind that crawls under your skin, without you knowing it; the kind that sinks deep into your gut, and, in a moment triggered by intense passion, explodes into tiny unmanageable bits that flash through your brain's nerve-endings, like New Year's fireworks 2 feet away from your irises. You try and close your eyes, and drown out the overwhelming sense of it all, but the visuals are just too strong, and you are bombarded again and again And again.

Two hours into my workday, I was nowhere near steering clear of the mess that was my mind. And so I went down for my usual smoke, with my usual companion. Once outside, we searched for Mr. 9-5 Yosi Manong to buy our sorry asses some cigs. He was not at his usual post. A little looking around and we finally saw him. He was sweeping the ground --- work that was normally done by the cleaners emplyed by the building. Apparently, there was some kind of deal struck between the guards and him that he would clean the cig butts left by yosi people, and he could continue to stay and sell cigs right in front of the building.

And I know it isn't heroic, likesay how a nobody saved a stranger's life during a hurricane, but it was life. Right there, in front of me, the reality of Reality struck a chord. Here was 'living', right in front of my eyes, leaving me feeling completely and utterly foolish. Here I was, completely engulfed by my own frustrations, while this man, not ten feet away from me, was quietly accepting his fate, while struggling to survive. And he was smiling. What reason did I have to not feel fortunate and happy where I was. Sure, the frustration was a killer, but I had my basic needs met for me. In that moment, I was slapped back into the arms of reality, caressed by its wonderful warmth on us all.

And as if that moment wasn't enough, the cosmos showed me something else while I took my cig break in the afternoon. This time I was alone, needing the silence and calm of just being with my invisible self for five minutes. A guy in red shirt was waiting for a cab. This was not unusual in itself, save for the fact that he was crippled. He was in a wheelchair, in fact. Now, this alone would not have made me single him out from the rest of the call center folks who just got off work and were waiting for cabs to get to whatever places they would go to next. However, there was slight rain, and cabs were scarce, and so people were literally running for cabs. Finders, keepers, of course. To those not in the know, the unwritten rule in Manila about the cab-shakedown is if you open the door first, you get first digs. So, it's survival of the fittest. You can be waiting for a cab for an hour, but if someone just got there, but was closer to the cab that suddenly appeared, as if on cue, that other lucky sonova*** got it. And I know this because I have been the not-so-lucky one more times than I care to recount.

So, anyways, looks like this guy has been here for a while, because he has that 'I'm trying to be go**dang patient' look in his eyes. So I move over to the far side of the driveway, light up, and start zoning out of the world, and tune into my own little zhinesade island. I am brought back to reality as i see a tinge of red not five feet away from me. It's Mr. Wheelchair call center dude. He swung over (wheeled over, really) to this side of the driveway. He must be so discomfited bynow, because he still hasn't gotten a cab, while the crowd of call center folks had thinned to less than ten people. And as I took my last drag, a cab came up the driveway, but stopped to his right, where two ladies and one not-so-gentleman were standing, and they just rushed the cab, opened the door, and climbed into the back. Mr. Wheelchair call center dude didn't stand a chance. I noticed that Mr. 9-5 Yosi Manong was looking at him too. He tilted his head in frustration, but kept a straight face, as if to say, 'Oh well. Such is life'. I wanted so much to go over to the three people and tell them to 'go back to your mommies and tell them to teach you some manners', but I just stood there. I was paralyzed by all the other times I was Mr. Wheelchair dude and all the other times when I was the lucky sonova*** (which is not often, I can tell you). Again, a snap back to reality. Small thing, big thing. Who knew, really?

***

On a totally unrelatd note, I think I may have broken two hearts in the last month, without me meaning to. I know it sucks for them because I've been in their shoes. Sucks for me, too, because they were those 'good-on-paper' types. But this just isn't the time. And they just weren't the one. I know it sounds pointless, but I'm sorry as hell.

Wala lang. Maybe if I wrote it down, it'd take away the guilt I feel.

Oh karma, please be kind.