malarayat and friends

footprints

I can look back and memories of relationships can be summed up in visuals ---
phrases, even.

the first kiss (-Ar)
the first one who said he loved you and you knew he meant it (-Ad)
the first heart you broke (-Ad)
the first one who broke your heart (-Lo)
the first love that could not be (-KM)
the first love that would not be (-Op)
the first real tears (-Ne)
the first real smile (-Ro)
the first time friendship was formed out of a
love broken (-Sa)
the first time love was formed from friendship (-Re)
and all the others that followed.

Somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow, these things happened. I look back and see remnants, shadows of footprints, slowly washed away by the incoming
tide.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply
because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record,
clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change
into who you are.

Sigh with me, and continue on walking.

Nothing can compare to old,closed cycles, and promises of new beginnings.

I look at you
with the last laugh,
with the last tear,
with the last goodbye,
with the last hello,
with the last sigh,
with the last of love.

And I'll see you on the other side of me.

Therapy

There's been so much on my mind, but very little juice to pump it out of my sytem because of the relatively small emotional roller-coaster ride I experienced during the turbulent and colorful December month. But now, I must sit, and write about these things, lest they burgeon into a beehive of distracting activity in my consciousness.

This is one of the few moments when writing really is my therapy.

***

Birth and death in the same year. I never thought it a possibility for me. Yet, a friend died and a sister gave birth. The cosmos has a weird way of showing us how life-changing life is. That, ultimately, this is the one thing that each of us has that we have no control over.

Some say life is death, and death is life. I'm not sure if I want to believe that it's one of those yin-yang things. I'd rather believe we are always alive, just not in this human form (or any fathomable form, for that matter), but that we still do live, and that we still make a diffeence in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe that's why death has not been as frightening a thought for me as it is to a few others. Maybe that's why life has not been much of a celebration nor a languishing nor a rebellion, but more of a constant interaction of sorts with the universe.
Maybe.

***

I recently went to a new club (i.e. discotheque, ladies, not the evil "club" kind :P) in QC qith some girlfriends, just to try out something different.

The place only played House Music. It was like a repeat performance of the Trance era days, that gained little popularity in the late 90's. Leave it to Europeans to create

For those not into music genre too much, click on the link below to see what trusty old Wikipedia has to say about them ---> House, Trance.

The music is electronically-generated, and the bass can only be described as "forefront" and loud.

At first, it was fun to revel in that anonymity, where no one cared about anyone else because they were lost in Electronica Lala Land and the bassline was just too overpowering to the average brain.

However, a bottle of beer and the beginnings of a headache later, it was apparent that there was some malicious intent behind the music. Again, calm down ladies, I don't mean malicious as in drop-your-pants-and-let's-simulate-IT-on-the-dance-floor. I mean, malicious, as in it takes away your sense of being. It leaves only your body, to revel in the darkness of that boom-boom-bass, and your eyes to see nothing but a reflection of empty air in visual synapses.

I don't claim that this is, in and of itself a bad thing. After all, we all need to unwind sometimes, and just think of nothing. Some use drugs, others alcohol, and yet others sex and violence (it's a mad world out there).

However, there is music, and there is MUSIC. Real music is an expression of life and all that it encompasses, described in various powerful ways that include (but are not limited to, I believe) rhythm, melody, lyrics, notes, riffs, drumbeats, plucks. Okay, bass is somewhere in there, and I'm sure electronica is somewhere in there too. But a night (or a whole life) of just pure "steady nothing colorless" thought is exhausting.

Or isn't it?

Maybe I'm just getting old. Or thinking too much. Or both.

***

I like what someone else wrote in his blog. A series of words/phrases that encompass the year that was. Here's my shot at it.

family reunions grew up. braving valentino. paper anniversary. band-ing. major mistake that started the huge ball of dangerous fire. it's about out now. breaking up does not equal left broken. death. writing to reach a soul. writing to reach the self. family, as usual. letting go. losing control. drinking to forget, drinking to remember. not forgetting, but forgiving. pictures to move. pictures that move. hot onshore peeps. high school reminiscing. getting older. the marriage question. birth. christmas and cruising. birthdays and celebrating. friends. no to lovers. yes to love. no to settling for convenience. he's just not that into you. hard life. promotion, money, condo, internet. tagaytay. baguio. bohol. pagudpud. vigan. costa rica. starngers, flights, and airplanes. "recently single". closing cycles. hung-up ex. doormats. backbone-less. saying goodbye. knowing when it's over. starting anew. leo, the cam. sagittarius, independent. badminton. boxing. dancing. learning. yosi. crazy kind of high. samsung. alone time. pink rooms, shirts, shoes. greenbelt, eastwood, ortigas, kapitolyo, tomas morato. my zahir. traffic and cabs. flowers. stalking. dates. recording. innocence. secrets. l, queer, satc, csi, friends reruns. girlfriends. 'almost' them. anger. frustration. cowardice. courage. my zahir. pinas.

***

This one blogger explained each person's relationship to the universe in 'ant terms'. An ant going about his own way. When a person sees an ant on a piece of paper and he's tripping, he could simply lift the piece of paper and move it to a different location. The ant would continue on its way, until it realizes it's lost the 'scent' of its track. Then the ant is distraught and runs around trying to get the ense of things. It's probably muttering 'what the...' under it's breath (aside: do ants breathe?).

Anyway, that other blogger explained it much better. The point is, sometimes we can have questions whose answers don't lie in our realm of understanding. It's just not in the same dimension as our brains can fathom. The best we can do, sometimes, is just let the panic settle down, and just continue on our own little way.

2006 has to be that year for me.

***

In the spirit of the new year, here's a few things I wanna reach for this year:
- having the band play at a paid event.
- having some sort of feedback on my manuscript.
- getting myself an i-pod.
- fixing my darn laptop's monitor or just getting a brand new one and getting it over with.
- getting dsl so I can improve my word racer time without my sis over my shoulder.
- playing billiards again, at least once a month.
- cutting down (eliminate...unspeakable?!) on my nicotine intake.
- travelling outside the country at least twice.
- going to at least one philippine province not in luzon (siargao, anyone?)
- finishing the interior on the new place and making it signature-mine.
- adding a new accessory to feed my namimiktyur appetite.
- losing 5-10 pounds.
- teach a class.
- try a dangerous sport/adventure.

Here we go. Deep breaths all the way, now.

looking over my shoulder, and closing my eyes...

I can almost touch the year 2005 that was. It was an amazing year, let me tell you that.

1. There was friendship.
Friends old and new were found, lost, rekindled. It's cliche, I know, but 2005 was the year that marked my deeper understanding of the people that we encounter in our lives "for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime". It has been a gift and a pleasure learning about myself through the people around me, and being able to share in their lives, and touch them more profoundly than I thought I could. Co-bloggers in blogdom (Lara, Jing, Anna, Charsa, Jake, Mahal, Negu), friends/cig buddies I made and kept in the US (Don, Amilcar, Steve), friends
I had kept and grown with since five to fifteen years ago (Joyce, Cha, Carmen, Jappy, Kat, Jet, Tinto), and new friends I gained in the last five years from work etc. (H.O.P., Tintin, Negu, Xian, Ivette).

2. There was death.
Death came and took one of earth's angels into it's arms and gently led her to heaven's door. Che's passing made me realize how fleeting life is, and how much difference a person can make in a lifetime, no matter the amount of time they stay here. The days don't really count for much in and of themselves. Time is only an element that aids in the development of the soul and the mind.
Death also reared its head in the form of a love lost. The struggle was difficult in the end, just because eyes were shut tight by a patch called love. The love didn't die, but a possible 'happily ever after' did. The difference this time, though, was that Acceptance held my hand as it did his. The dream was over, but it didn't mean we were out of each other's lives forever. I didn't know it 'til this year, but friendship with ex-lovers can be a reality.

3. There was new beginning.
The complexities of a child's birth were upon me this year. it was not my child, but a baby sister's. The whole schema was overly complicated, and very few people really knew what went on behind the closed doors of my life. I had to let go, let live, and then, stand still, and be quiet as she grew up into a mother, and I grew into preparing to be an aunt. Mikhail was born on the 28th, and my sister is now a full-fledged mom. It's a new web of relationships that have started forming in the last few days.
The story I wanted to write was finally finished, and sent to a publisher. No word yet, but hopefully, 2006 will see it through.
The plans for singing also birthed into Mac Suicide. Again, 2006 will see if we have what it takes to blast off into the music atmosphere.
Plans to buy my own place have also been started. The down payment has been paid, and the mindset is to make it a home that I will learn to love, and a home that will help me learn and love.
Something else bloomed, this last month of December, something popularly contrary to my wishes. But I gave it some thought, and things will be as they should be without me controlling it. I will be sand and it will be the water that moves me in whichever direction it wishes. I will seek neither shore nore open sea. I just will be.

4. There was learning.
I started boxing -- a therapeutic, healthy alternative to trying to lose some excess weight and feeling good all-around. I have now almost mastered the speed ball and my jab-straight combo, I am told, is a lot strong for a small female such as myself.
I started getting into badminton. It's on the shelf for now, but I'm sure it'll be like riding a bicycle once i have time enough to play again.
I started taking photography more seriously, trying to learn more than just the basics of shooting and making pictures look good. I'm way behind, I know, but these things take time.

5. There was expanding horizons.
In photography.
In writing.
In singing.
In boxing.
On being a homeowner.
On being a leader and a team player.
On being a sister.
On being a pseudo-mother.
On being a friend.
On being me.

6. There was travel. Just being re-exposed to the beauty and multi-faceted culture of the Philippines was a huge deal for me. Plus, I was able to visit Costa Rica. That was fun, fun, fun.

7. There was me living my life and re-learning the definition of me.

2005 was colorful, alright. I don't know what 2006 will be like, but if it's in the cards to be similar to last year, I'm in for one helluva roller coaster ride.

This time, Im'a sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
Hold on tight, everyone, I can feel the first loop-d-loop coming...