Back, and Back for Good

After a mind-blowing 2-week vacation in Manila, and 2-week swing-shift working schedule there, I am finally back in the US. However (tan-ta-da-da-dan!), I am finally going back to the Philippines for good (or at least for 7 months this time) by Feb 18.

I don't know whether to feel happy or sad about it. I guess, like most reactions to change in my life, it's always a mix.

I keep talking about how much I love the Philippines and how much I wanna do there. Well, this is the chance to do it.

I plan on finally publishing that book (oh God, please let them be kind and take it hahaha), honing my photography skills (I'm currently reading The Idiot's Guide to Photography, thanks to Poch), take vacations and explore the beautiful islands we have, try out for a band, invest some money in good funds, play and get used to my new pool cuestick, renovate some parts of the family home, and start conceptualizing details for the business that me and a couple of friends wanna start.

These be my goals for 2005, God help me to carry out at least three of them this year.

I guess this clarity of goals comes with age, huh? I never used to think like this. I used to think in terms of 'having fun' and 'earning money'. Now, it gets more concrete to trying to center myself, hone my skills, and see how I can leave my legacy in the world, and make a small difference.

God, I sound old. 'Nuf of this weird vibe.

Happy New Year to All. May all of us learn, be, and do more this year.

I apologize for the delayed greetings and thoughts. I blame it all on jetlag and a glitch in the matrix.

Highs and Lows

I have a couple of minutes (yet again) to meander.... and please allow me to soak in a little self-honeying (is there such a term? wahahaha).

HIGH: I have successfully renewed my license, complete with a new picture that's less mataray than the last one. I think I can actually attribute it to the less hassle this time around for renewing it. Kudos to the LTO folks at Kapitolyo! Mabuhay.

LOW: I've gotten into the habit of chatting up cab drivers when I ride cabs. It gives me a feeling of ease, and an honest feeling reminiscent of pagmemeron way back in college. But everytime they find out I was in the States, they marvel at how I still love the Philippines and love coming back here. I could work here forever, I don't need to go overseas, I always tell them. They give me all these status quo hardships and downcast forebodings of life in the Philippines. It's just sad that people have become so disillusioned that they expect less of the Philippines. I always end up telling them, 'Just because we're Filipinos doesn't mean we should expect less.' Some of them understand and nod, while some smile and sigh.

HIGH: I printed out and asked some friends to proofread and give me critiques of my manuscript (Working Title: Recently Single), and most feedback I got was positive. Hopefully the next publisher (yes, NEXT...read the next low to find out why) sees it the same way too.

LOW: I submitted by manuscript to a premier publishing house for literary works here in the Philippines. After a week, I called them to follow-up on the verdict of my manuscript. The head of the editorial staff talked to me and told me that it wasn't part of the genre they were publishing for 2006. IN short, I was turned down. The bit of good news came when he said that he had showed a few pages of the manuscript to another publication and they suggested I submit it there. I'll have it submitted there before I leave Manila. Hopefully, these people think my manuscript is sellable. Sigh.

I'm leaving for the US tomorrow. Woohooo. My body is sore from playing badminton yesterday, though. Hahaha. I was also ablt to go to Tagaytay and eat at the famous Josephine's resto, overlooking that nice little volcano Filipinos are so proud of. Hehehe. I need to leave this place and go home soon. I haven't started on my packing yet.

Darn. Time flies when you're having fun.

Five Seconds of Silence

The title is an exaggeration. I actually have more or less two hours of silence tonight. My scheduled dinner with a friend got cancelled because she was called away for reasons of the L-word. Love (Ahem, what the hell were you thinking?).

That cancellation was a double-edged sword, really. I have a few minutes to spare to blog, I think, and be alone in my blissful recollection of people's reaction to my manuscript (yes, if I forgot to mention, I have one, and I just submitted it to a publication house last week...hopefully, they agree to publish it for me...still crossing my fingers...). On the other side, I've got no one to have dinner with. I can't very well leave the office and have dinner alone at home because I still have meetings scheduled for 10pm 'til midnight tonight (yeah, yeah, wonderful life).

So here I am, with around an hour to doodle away. And mind-doodle, I will.
Allow me to ramble.
***
There are some men whom you think of as drinking buddies, and then later ("potah, idiota ka talaga, gusto ka n'un noh") realize are actually boylets.
Funny, but very, very true.
The funnier thing is, you don't ever think of going out with them as 'a date'. In your mind, it's always 'gimik' or 'partying' or 'tambay'.
I learned from a guy friend that men actually think about it the same way. 'Gimik', 'Inuman', 'Labas'.
Okay, so it's agreed. It's most definitely not a date. Because women tend to be awkward at dates, maybe? Or men feel more at ease when you say 'gimik', instead of when you say 'date'.
So, then, when two people publicize a partnership (i.e. 'kami na'), it's 'nagkadevelopan' and 'we had the DTR talk' (Defining The Relationship, dummy), instead of 'he asked me if I would be his girlfriend'.
So, that's why less and less men court women. The alternative route is so much easier.

In this case, the END most definitely justifies the means.
Be gone, ye of little faith in 'style bulok'!
***
Yes, women love to observe other women. Moreso than men. It's not just you. You're not a tomboy. It's not a lesbo-hint. It's just natural. Lots of women do it. Either you're an all-out observer, or you're a closet observer (practiced lateral vision haha). That's what I love about being in Starbucks. People who stay there for more than an hour, and who meet up with other people, constantly have their eye muscles exercised. They look around. All the time. They just can't help it.
Okay. Fine. I just can't help it. Hahaha.
So, for a change, on Saturday, while in Bagaberde, Mia and I looked around and observed men. Yes, it was way boring than observing women, so we made a game of it. Pick 10 men at the place for your friend. The 10 worst-looking, and ask her to choose one man to mate with (in dreamland, of course). The scenario is --- there are these 10 men and you on an island, and you know you have to mate to survive. Who would you mate with.
It was hysterical, to say the least (to hell with do-gooders, bite yer tongue. We all know everyone says things about other people).
I think people actually started staring at us because we were laughing so hard at the choices.
Well, if you were in Bagaberde, and you noticed us, 'hi' to you. Now, at least you're in on the joke. Hopefully, you weren't one of the punchlines :P
***
So it goes with past crushes and ex-boyfriends. One past love, more than four years ago, still hasn't gotten closure over our ending. Another is doing rather well keeping himself busy and away from temptation. And I feel nothing. I can't believe it. It's a weird feeling to be able to recall intense emotions you felt for a certain person in the past, but not be able to feel them when you're confronted with them. it's a de ja vu of sorts. You see them, but you see them differently. Maybe it's because you don't wear the rose-colored lenses of love you wore back then. Maybe all is definitely in the past, and hope is just for the weak-hearted. Having moved on, I can call my friend 'Nagpapakatanga' for the ex she still yearns for. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think my happiness now is much more fulfilling than her anguish every single night. Or maybe I'm just jaded and she's just optimistic.
Or maybe that's just the way life's supposed to be.
***
I didn't know a year away would change a lot of people. But it did.
Friends are still friends, and acquaintances are still acquaintances, but so many things have happened, and so many lives changed. People have broken up, gotten back together, gotten engaged, found a new love, dealt with heartbreak, dealt with temptations, dealt with career stumping, career growth, changes in careers, changes in priorities, and changes in lifestyles.
It's all so very surreal, which makes me rainbow-happy. I think this is the kind of world I always imagined for people around me. Ever-changing, ever-evolving. Like a screensaver of photographs, forever-changing to the sound of Mariah Carey's tunes.
***
Blah blah blah. I'm hungry. I need to sign-off now.

102

Just a note to self that my weight as of today is 102 lbs, with partially dissolved lunch still in the tummy.

Woohooweeeeee.

Ang nagagawa nga naman ng intensive gimik sched.

Like one of my Manila managers mentioned, 'So *Sade*, fully booked ka pa rin ba?' I just smiled. Sa totoo lang, oo pa rin. Hahaha.

10 am meeting with best friend, lunch with friend in need, office from 130pm til 1 am, inom with friends, in bed by 3 am, at the earliest.

Life is beautiful, sometimes, ain't it? Almost perfect, except that my body is starting to grow weary and tired of me. (Darn energy!)

Sige, Aysee's na ulet hehehe.

Patawad

Kapag hindi napatawad ng anak ang inay, ang anak ang walang utang na loob.

Kapag hindi napatawad ng nobya ang nagtaksil na nobyo, nobya pa rin, sa huli, ang talo.

Kapag hindi napatawad ang bunsong kapatid ng ate, ate ang hindi marunong umintindi.

Pero kapag ang tatay ang hindi nakapagpatawad sa iyo, ikaw ang mali sa harap ng mundo.

Hay.

Sige na nga, kahit laging talo.

Perya

Nakatulog ako sa sasakyan pagkatapos mag-Gery's. Masarap ang pagkain, tabing-dagat pa. Talaga namang tinamaan ako ng antok at hinabol ako ng anghel ng pagtulog na nakaligtaan ko rin ng ilang araw.
'Balik na ba tayo sa hotel,' tanong ko.
'Di pa. Magwiwithdraw ako, tapos pumunta tayo dun sa perya. Tagal ko nang di nakakapunta sa ganyan e,' sabat ng kapatid ko.
'Mmhmm,' bulong ko, sabay pikit ng mata.
Tulog. Ded to da world, kumbaga.

Nagising ako sa paghila sa akin ng bunso kong kapatid sa braso.
'Ate, tara na.'

Bumaba ako ng sasakyan at nabighani sa malakas na tugtog ng hif-haf (hip-hop) at sa napakadaming ilaw.

Natulala ako. Nananaginip pa ba 'ko?

Tuloy kaming pumasok sa perya at, aba, walang bayad.
Diretso ang kapatid ko sa isang ticket booth at binilhan kaming apat na magkakapatid ng ticket sa unang sakay. 'Ako na sasagot nito,' sabi niya, sabay ngiti. Sumakay ako kasama nya, habang ang ate ko at ang bunso naman ang nagsama sa kabila. Paulit-ulit na ganoon. Sa octopus, sa hammer, at kung anu-ano pang mga kaaliwan.

Sinubukan kong alalahanin kung kelan kami huling nabuo ng ganito at nag-enjoy ng ganito katindi, na lahat kami puro bungisngis at tawa, walang away, walang kulang, walang iwanan, walang KJ, walang lamang. Ang tagal na. Bago pa maghiwalay ang magulang namin. Labing-anim na taon na siguro iyong huling alaala ko.

Ngiti pa lang ng tatay ko habang pinapanood kami, alam ko nang sulit ang paggising ko. Wala akong paki kahit magalit ang anghel ng pagtulog. Masaya ang pamilya ko. Minsan lang 'to sa isang dekada, kung susuwertehin.

Wala na kong hihingin pang mas magandang pagsalubong sa bagong taon. Kung puwede lang itigil ang oras para ganun na lang palagi, ginawa ko na siguro. Puro bungisngis na lang, na para bang walang problema sa mundo na di mo kayang tawanan. Pero sadyang patuloy ang pag-ikot ng mga kamay sa orasan. Biglang ala-una na. Uwian na. Tawanan pa rin habang inaalala ang mga nasakyan.

Pagdating sa hotel, ligo, bihis, toothbrush, at direcho sa kama.

Halika, anghel, at dalawin mo na ako ulet. Gusto kong ituloy ang tawanan, kahit sa panaginip lang.