Slapdash Notes

Note: Pic on the right was taken last Saturday at an outreach event with my baby, Leo (the cam). First few attempts at human subjects. Whatdya think?

Ooh, the picture actually coincides with today's post. Well, look at that!
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Said a friend, 'There's no right or wrong, there's only consequence'.
Me: Ooh, I wish you'd said that 5 hours ago (harumph...). Still, it is quite a loaded statement. If only the brain had enough living thinking cells to process.
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At past half-past-my-twenties, I'm beginning to realize that happiness is too simple a word, and too full, besides. I've felt quite a range of emotions in the past months that can only be enunciated as 'happiness', but it's really so much more complicated than that. Everyone has to go through them, I reckon.
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Sweetness is not a quality of mine, apparently. And yes, just another thing that quietly dawned on me after chatting with some new badmintonmates (ha!) over over-priced-supposedly-fastfood-dinner.
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Sometimes, the look in someone's eyes is just that. A look. Don't put any more meaning into it, lest you be the fool at the end.
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I've forgotten quite a few memories. My best friend was surpised that Detailed Little Miss Me has forgotten some of the stuff that we went to, talked about, blah-blah. I started noticing too. Like how I couldn't remember certain events that happened. I was trying to put it down to selective memory. But maybe aliens have come down and taken my caffeine-nicotine-tinted-memories and experimented with them. Hmm. Or maybe...maybe I'm just getting old.
Now that's a little sad.
***
I've been writing random stuff on a notepad recently for a melody that I have in mind. But the more I think about it, the more I think all that needs to be said, and all that can be expressed has already been expressed. What I want to say may not come out right when I say it. Sometimes, keeping something to myself is the best way to cherish that moment, and preserve that memory. Ooh, another slapdash bug in the head.
***
Oh, we didn't qualify for the Battle of the Bands. Boohoo. Haha. Oh well, we'll be famous someday. I just know it. ;D
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If you've reached the end of these random thoughts, do give shoutout. I wanna recognize the people that have enough patience with blabberings such as mine.

Doggone Wham-Bam

Note: Taken in Pagudpud,. I didn't bother with editing out the people. I think it looks more real this imperfect way.

I've read about it often enough in books. Doing the deed on the first date spells DISASTER with a capital DEE. As in "Don't" and "Dead" and "Over" (although that third one doesn't start with a D, haha). Anyway, I didn't really give this much thought until very recently, when something of the sort happened to someone I know. I was 'Dear Doctor Joe' of sorts and had to think about the whole thing for most of the weekend. Even Belle (de jour) agreed that sex on the first date was a no-no. Today, I think I quite agree with that thought. I would even go so far as to say holding hands on the first date is a bummer. It denies both of you the chance to slowly uncover the person inside the body of the Other. It's eating your favorite meal over and over again. You don't get to imagine, think about, and individualize each of the ingredients that make it your favorite. And if you do it too often too soon, it loses the 'favorite' factor, and you move on.

I know, I know. But what if the physical attraction is so strong it's tangible? And what if he's dressed like your prince charming and smells of your favorite man scent? And what if you both think, after five to eight hours of talking, that you have found your soulmate? What then, you ask. Aren't there exceptions?

Nope. No exceptions.

Lemme tell ya.

If the physical attraction is strong, it'll still be there five (even twenty) dates from now. And think what'll happen in the morning when you wake up and find out that you're not so attracted outside the bed. Na-uh.

If the look and the smell are perfect, think about this: Did he smell like this right after he soaked up the sun or got home after commuting? Did he look this perfect when he got out of bed? Would it kill ya if you thought about something deeper than the LOOK in his eyes? Or the flirtiness of his tone? (The answer is NO, darling) Listen to what he's saying and to what he's NOT saying, instead of just focusing on how extremely gorgeous he looks. He's not Apollo, and you are not Pamela Anderson.

If he's your soulmate, damn it, you have your whole lives (and the next one, too, or Nirvana, choose your pick) to experience being 'whole'. It doesn't need to start right now, tonight, even if your heart is screaming "GO". Sometimes, instinct is wrong, especially if it comes with the word 'soulmate' attached to it, within 24 hours of meeting someone. Believe me, lots of people have stumbled and fell flat because they thought a new acquaintance was 'the Soulmate' or 'the One'. Wait a week, or two, or maybe even three. Remember, your body won't die if it doesn't have immediate contact with your soulmate. It's your soulmate, for heaven's sake, not your BODYmate. Bodymate, well, that's a diff topic altogether, and will be saved for another time.

So remember, think past the bed. Always.

PS. Happy birthday Papskidoo, and B-B-Bunsoy :D

Happy Dumping

I know it's baduy, but I just love the color in this photo. And this pic was taken just last April, in 'Island Cove' resort. Nice, no? Be still, my heart wahahaha. Fucket!

Anyway, heard this new term from my aunt --- happy dumping. Apparently, when one is experiencing a heartbreak, some people get depressed and need emotional support, while other people prefer happy dumping (i.e. acting uberly-happy about the smallest things, a.k.a. overactingly-happy). Just thought I'd share. I had been there, done that, but never knew there was a term for it. Thank God for learning something new everyday.

***

Here's a little somp'n somp'n I made up (or did I?):

It was straight out of a movie. All of us were dancing, then suddenly, the sea of people parted, and there we were, dancing to a slow dance that suddenly came on. I think we were teased, but we didn't mind, or didn't hear, or both. And we held on to each other for what seemed an eternity, dancing to our own song, drowning in each other's eyes, looking into each other's soul.

But we had to wake up. We were young. Too young. And the world was too small for you and me, and too wide for both of us. So we let go. The dance ended. But the music played on. It played on that night when you came over, years after we let go, and told me that it didn't work out with her, because it felt wrong if it was not me. I wanted to agree, to say 'yes, I know'. I wanted to wipe your tears away with my lips, my words, my touch. But I couldn't. I was scared. I couldn't tell you. I didn't know how to let you know my truth. 'You were not the one for me', I thought to myself.

Today, you said 'Hey' as I ran into you. And I swear I could hear the song playing in the background. It lingers. Still, it is there. You looked happy, this young woman in tow. I was alone, book in one hand, coffee in another. We exchanged numbers. 'For catching up', you said. I nodded.

Now, I lie in bed, book in hand, not understanding a word on page 27, even though I've read the page twice. You disturb my thoughts, your voice resonating in my ears, your smell in the air. And I wonder. Is it too late? Can we still catch up, really? If I tell you now, what I could not tell you before, will it change anything? Will it nullify that for a moment in time, I didn't think it was you?

Probably not.

Plus, it would be selfish and presumptuous of me to think your words from eons ago hold the same value today.

(Contact Deleted)

I wish it was as easy for the heart.

***

Last na lang, because I'm in a weird sort of mood today:

Finger my pages

and thumb through mine mind

the bible of ebbing tides.

Witness the creation of all that is ethereal

and the destruction of hopelessness

and i will sing you psalms.

Heavenly, they will be

until thine eyes look

and see the beauty

of you in me.

***

Amp! Iba na ito! It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e Purr-fect! I am going insane, yes hahaha. C'est la vie.

(langkwents. Tingin ka na lang ulet sa pic).

Tagged

Note: Pic was added as an afterthought to this post...Taken by moi (of course) in Ilocos in April.
***

Tagged by Mia, and since I'm in such a good mood today...

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play?

Blogging. Random thoughts that trash up my head seem much clearer written down....Although sometimes, thoughts tend to sound idiotic written down, and much more logical when left in my head. Freaky, I know.

Drink Coffee and have cigs. Bad combo, right? I know, I know. It just relaxes me to no end. Moreso when I'm alone than when I'm with other people. I ruminate. I imagine. I fantasize (huwwwaaaaaatttt!!!! Did I just say that? hahaha). I think. I be.
I guess it's a memory I had of 2 people talking very peacefully and lovingly over coffee, as if time stood still, and everything around them dissipated as they reparteed about the most mundane things, completing each other's sentences as they went along.

Fill my head with much-rubbish, and feed my already over-emotional fuzzies with TV shiznit. First 3 channels I surf are AXN, HBO, and Star World. And almost 99% of the time, I get hooked, no matter if I've seen the damn film thrice already. It didn't use to be like this. Oh well, maybe it'll be useful in some Movie board game or something one day in the very far future. Haha.

Drive around. NOT! If I had a car of my own,I would. Since I don't, though, I just lie in bed, and listen to whatever's playing on the radio and sing along, trying to be as off-key as possible. It's a skill I wish to acquire haha. Or if the mood is downright sensual, I listen to Dave Koz. I swear, I don't think I'll ever tire of him. He is seriously amazing.

What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?

Can I say 'ALL OF THE ABOVE'?

Aside from that, reading helps a lot these days. It takes me away from the present, and keeps the mind far away from evil, Evil, EVIL thoughts.

Or, I just think about someone's smile. Sigh. And everything is instantly heavenly. Haha.

Tag 5 friends and ask them to post it in theirs.

Hmmm. Who would have the time?

I am tagging Anna Banana, Jing, Charsa, Mahal, and Capi. Hopefully, these people read my blog once in a Blue Moon to know they've been tagged ;-D

Ta-ta.

When Alone

It's awesome what people do when they think no one's going to find out or no one is watching.

Case in point 1: In the little ladies' room in the office, the bathroom is normally kept clean the entire day. By clean, I mean, minimal odors, tidy, flowing tissue paper, soap, and water, and waste baskets that are always emptied out. However, after 6 pm, you can be sure this won't be the case and you'll be better off waiting to get home to use the bathroom. Makes one conjecture as to whether employees are just too dead-ass unhygenic that they can't clean-up after themselves, or if they just don't think anyone else will mind that they leave droplets of yellowing urine on the once-gleaning toilet seat. Such a pain in the ass, pun intended.

Case in point 2: Funny to watch people who ogle at other people while sipping their drinks at a cafe. Don't they realize that the glass that separates them from the passers-by is just that? Glass. People can practically see your saliva running down your shirt, hon. Try to keep the mouth closed, will ya. And don't strain your neck. Ho-hum.

Before I forget, the outing cohorts with new friends tomorrow will not push through. Damn rain. We'll make do with playing badminton in the metro, instead. Ah, no rest for the weary. And the auds are tomorrow, Caramba! We videod ourselves last Wednesday, and I must say, the sound is pretty damn good. And, the 2-month self-solace is almost up. So I'm partying tonight haha. Gotta get the self reacquainted with society, right? Right.

Well, go have fun, people. Ruminate on life's essentials, drink some, kiss some, and laugh some. Life could end tomorrow (what, with our band performing and sh1t haha) and we know everyone wants to end parties with a big bang!

A break from Belle de Jour

<-- Trying out the B&W parameter setting on the new gadget.

Twas a very gray day when the photo was taken. Lugubrious, really. But we made do in Bataan, and had much-deserved R&R time, complete with a lot of sleeping food, laughs, and drinks (can't forget the drinks, no sirree), and someone won her first bowling match after 2 years of non-play. F really did it (the pseudo-partner who won it for us against X and J). Maybe going back to bowling won't be so bad after all. Ooh, must mention too, that Guesstures was played, and mine team won two out of two. Go M! Go R! And someone said 'It's so hard when dead brain cells die'. Umm, too much alcohol does that haha. And someone got drunk for the first time in his life too --- M! That was R and C's doing. Congratulations, and welcome to the world of the confident and cool, Mr-I-will-sing-if-you-hold-the-mic-in-my-face. Haha. Kidding! The outing was precious. Some other secrets, I can't say here, or my teammates will most likely disown me or...laugh. Haha. Good bunch of people, they are.

Also, done with Harry Potter (sad and wonderful at the same time) and Persuasion(Jane Austen's best, methinks). Currently reading Belle de Jour's book (see right side of this page for her blog link). However, a word to the wise, don't go there (or buy the book) if you're a little conservative. Even I (who think I am an uberly-cerebral woman of the times) had to steer my eyes away from the book in some parts as some descriptions were waaaay to visual and, er, obnoxious for studied taste. However, it is her life, her book, and my choice. So I continue to read. And pause. And read again.

By the by, noticed some rather common blogger expressions that one would never hear in mainstream chitchat such as "whoopee", "uber", "crikes", etc. Maybe such words indeed add to the feeling of the reader, or the writer is just trying to mask how they really think/talk. Hmm (my mind reviews use of "uber" in this and other entries). Sucka. Haha.

Also, encountered the word MELLIFLUOUS somewhere last week. Can't get it out of my mind, so I finally DICTIONARY-DOT-COMmed it. "Flowing with sweetness and honey" it said. Ah, very apropos to present demeanor.

In other news, badminton is still alive, the band is doing well (auds this Sat, yegads!), and I've been invited to come party with a couple of newly-acquainted office cohorts this coming weekend. I am enthused and game. Another chance to tinker with the cam, no?

PS. If there's one thing I love about reading Belle de Jour, it's the straightforward London candor with which she speaks to my mind. Something I only dream of being able to succefully do (and venture trying only when extremely inebriated). Kisses to P who gave me the book as gift! Also got free coffee from 3 diff people, a free ride home, and fun times with some really funny people in the past days. I am much-obliged. I am a lucky one, yes I am.

Conformity

Photo on the right was taken at Boston Park on my birthday last year.

Below, something I wrote way back in 2002, when work was much lighter and life was much simpler...


conformity
denial, blindness
feeble attempt at honesty
in a charade where all one's feelings
are shadows
and all of one's thoughts are masked in parade..

where
clowns walk, unsmiling
and musicians proceed, not playing
and where the crowd, besides oneself
is indifferent, and see only those
whom they want to see

all the while
cheering on
a weeping
parade in its procession
towards a neverending eternity
separated from
you who know,
and love,
and see,
and feel.

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I'm off to jam and have fun! And tomorrow is another chance to play with the new baby EOS in Bataan! Woopee! happy weekend everyone!