retrospect 06

i've decided to celebrate the holidays in january. seems like the holidays (and the roller-coaster that came with it) arrived a little too late for my comfort.
***
it's going to be 07 soon, and as my sister and i were discussing over coffee today, i think 07 is going to be a wonderful year. just because i'm different, she's different, we're both of us different people than when 06 began. if you'd told me a year ago that i'd be hanging out at holes in the wall with beer buds, toasting 'to the wounds' and all that, i'd laugh right along with you. but now, i'm here. it happened. it's real. i changed. and not just in a small new-clothes-kind-of-change, but in a moving-up-10-years-along kind of way. it's weird and exciting at the same time, not being able to recognize the reasons behind why i won't do now what i did just a few years back, not allowing myself to step into that rabbit hole, when it used to thrill me to no end.
***
there's just one final loose end i have to fix before my 07 officially begins. K. it should've been fixed by now, really. but sometimes waiting is ultimately the best decision. i'm sure it'll all be for the best. this whole kismet thing is just really not good for the body of optimism.
***
does anyone else believe that our lives are like wheels turning? it's a cliche, but straining to look back, the pattern seems to show itself over and over again, redundant in its redundancy, and consuming in its consistency. if all our lives are just wheels turning. then why do some lives seem more unscathed than others? or is this wheel theory simply for dysfunctional 'unique' people like me...and maybe you? do we just wait for the wave to hit again? drown a little, and then climb back up for air? or de we try to outrun it?
***
in essence, why?
in reality, how?
***
wonderful december. exciting december.
the pictures i've posted don't even come close to presenting a glimmer of how interesting this month's been.
i've gained some, i've wrecked some, i've lost (or will lose) some.
but the moments, ah the moments...
those were the moments we live for, really...
that moment when your heart started beating fast and you wished to god he didn't hear
that split second you held his eye
that moment when he said the words you hadn't heard for a while
that moment he glanced over at his phone, and you knew it was who you wished it wasn't
that time when you both laughed, looked into each other's eyes, and knew that you were both in this wonderful moment
that moment he said someone else's name, and your heart sank
that moment when his hand brushed yours and you tried yur damndest to hide that small smile
that minute he called your name, and you knew this was a new bond
different people, different moments, different emotions, diffent times
so i can't still be the same me, can i?
or am i?
***
it's been a 'friendly' year.
i've been a friendly me
my old friends have noticed
my new friends have said so too
i'm not sure i can still do it next year, though.
but
it's not like i've exerted painful extra effort physical-therapy-style to be this way
it just kind of happened, you know?
i just kind of opened up
and i still don't know if that's a foolish act
a selfish one
or a bold brave thing to do.
what do you think?
***
i'm thinking my official tag for myself this year is 'buddy'.
***
i'm praying '07 brings the tag 'happenin!' with it. i'm sure He knows what i mean with this.
do you?
***
and because i've said this is going to be a photo-only blog from jan 1 onwards (see previous posts for details), my last post for the year will be of......ME! nyahahahaha! bawal kumontra! cheh!

honkity-tonk

have any of these happened to you?

- got so engrossed with a scene you were watching on tv where the actress was calling someone on the phone, that when your own phone rang, you said "hello, may i please speak with..." and then silenced yourself, because YOUR phone rang. you stupidly realize the person on the other line called you, not the other way around...?
- was so sleepy that you slept on the sofa, while your best friend was ranting about his love life, only to wake up the next morning, with the phone (dead line, of course) still in your hand...?
- went on a date where the guy wanted an implied kiss at the end of the date, and you were just giving him an awkward hug. a kiss on the nose is not the easiest awkward situation to get out of...?
- had a fight with someone on the street (in a 4 to 5-star village, no less), and had them throw you around (wrestling style), and had you land on your butt, on the ground...?
- worked on a project for money, and because you were stoned from the meds, deleted the files for the project, and only recalled doing so two days after the fact...?
- found yourself liking someone 'unattainable', and thinking 'why isn't that person into me?' and then having someone else tell you 'you're my unattainable' and asking you why you're not into them, all in the same afternoon...?
- told someone about a celebrity you had seen who was overly made up while playing a sport, only to find out that that celebrity was actually a close college friend of theirs...?
- talking to two people at the same time, and sent a rant message about a person to THE person you were ranting about...?
- have an acquaintance invite you and two other people to a small birthday lunch on a whim right in the same week of your birthday, and you didn't invite them to your own small party because you didn't particularly think you guys were close...?

dami pa, but this is way too long for my comfort, so i'll save the rest for next time...

Changing Times

Something's got to give somewhere.

Changes are inevitable, they say, and so I go with the flow. In fact, in the spirit of this coming new year, I've done some thinking on what i'd like to do and 'not-do' next year.

I've decided on a couple o' things in the past month, among them the following:
1) create another blog, keep zhinesade as a photo blog, and the new blog as a real river of fake and genuine emotions;
2) give myself until the first week of january to talk with B about his stuff;
3) switch numbers to avoid the lot of jerks, weirdos, major hassle-HOFFs, and realtors (haha) who unfortunately have my old number and keep me insane on a daily basis(i've had that number for ages, i know, but moving on is moving on);
4) print them pictures, dammit! (i keep making excuses for this one; hopefully, writing them down makes me keep this promise);
5)travel to a different country (Kota in Feb was so much fun, and I'm sooo itching to travel again);
6) stop myself from getting too free-spirited (i guess this is miggy's term, haha) with non-potentials (quite a couple of times, i might have given the wrong impression...ann "ooh" might not have been an impressed sigh, but an actual exercise in boredom...sorry...nuninuninu...);
7) move up the ranks in the corporate world, or switch out to some job which will make me pay my house in half the time than I think I can pay for it;
8) stop breaking/losing things...hahaha. unless you know me, you probably don't know the extent to which I am capable of losing things, or breaking them, or breaking them, and then losing them. I ahve a knack for it, I know, but it's gotta stop. My usual patience and 'oh well' demeanor is turning surly haha
9) less starbucks, more goolai (healthy food) and/or trying new food/cuisine. Until this year came around, food was to scratch an itch, as people say. Only during the latter part of this year did I realize that food is actually an adventure in itself. Awesome.
10)trying less beer, less yosi, and more exercise (okay, i put this one last so if I don't get to do this because of stress from number 1 through 8, you can't blame me). :P

I am now off to Medical City to 'swingshift' in watching my nephew who was rushed there this morning.... (aaaah, christmas day in medical city hahaha....loser!). dontcha worry, i'm sure Kail's gonna be fine. Among all the people in this family, I'm pretty sure he has the least problems. I wish I could say the same for me haha.

Cheerios and Peace!

complicate

complicate with your presence
with a single ring of the phone, silence
begging, taunt
and you shall prevail

unwilling before today
unsure before skins touched
afraid that the fire might burn
saying now, scorch

it is of no use to see you from afar
you consume
with each and every breath
you dishearten the icy front

again, make that music
again, paint that picture
together succumb to flames
that ignite when hands hold

heed and come
listen to mumbles
even as you lie still and embrace
complicate more.

***
note: nakita ko ang blog entry ni badeddy, nainspire ako, at gumawa ng sarili kong version ng kaweirdohan. hekhekhek. intense. nakakapagod minsan mag-isip ng kadramahan. charos!

picture picture

bahay ni juan. dec. 8. buon giorno. dec 9. yes, that is a real butterfly.

no. they're not really punk people. they're my team mates. it was the team's costume theme for last friday's xmas party at blue onion. rock on!

greyisms

Meredith: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.
***
Meredith: I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.
***
Meredith: I didn't know I didn't want to. You were there, and you were saying all the right things, and I was sad, and so I thought, maybe I’ve been overlooking what's been in front of me, and if I just give it a chance, because you're George, and you're so great...I didn't know I didn't want to...until I knew I didn't want to.
George: Yeah, ok.
Meredith: Can we please just go back to everything the way it was?
***
Meredith: Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?
***
Derek: You alright?
Meredith: I have a feeling.
Derek: I get those.
Meredith: Yeah?
Derek: Yeah.
Meredith: And?
Derek: If you wait long enough it passes.
Meredith: You promise?
Derek: I promise. [Meredith walks away, and Addison walks in]
Addison: Hey.. What you doing?
Derek: Waiting for it to pass.
***
Meredith: I had a feeling
***

and i...i'm still waiting for it to pass....

another year, another dollop

i never thought i'd be as serene as i am today. sitting here, typing away, a feeling of complete ease fills me. right now, i'm thinking --- less beer, less smokes, more acceptance, more love. sappy as shit, but terrifyingly true (ooh, just cursed; i guess that right and je ne se quoi comes with age).

a lot has happened in the past week, in the past few months even. it seemed as though i was being tested, checked, double and triple-checked to make sure i was ready for this new lease, even as the romantic smell of the dangerous unknown reared its beautifully-braided hair quite a number of times.

i did good, methinks. it wasn't easy, but i held out. i just think i'm over that phase. the wonderful aroma still excites me, but i come closer no more. i stay still, looking around, and knowing only i totally understood the magnitude of this inaction. it was the apple. and i am eve.

as eve, i longed for the taste. i searched quietly for that red fruit, then fervently bowed my head in prayer, and then shouted out in frustration to friends who listened with open minds, and unjudging hearts.

funny as it may sound, a couple of not-quite-right apples came along, aside from that juicy red one. there was the undeniably raw one, the too-ripe one, the quintessential bad apple, an apple i had already picked and discarded, and the apple held onto by another eve. up until the last few minutes before i decided, it was there. these others. even as i write now, they are present. i think of them as waiting for a stumble, a 'looking-back' of sorts. i refuse. i look back and see my shadow, a testimonial of where i've been and what i've gone through -- all the good, all the bad. i remember the luscious nights full of sweet murmurs of nothing, and the warm nights filled with good conversation.

i had to be by myself to realize they would always be there. i had to regress to grasp that it had always been my choice, my perception, my reaction, my emotions. I own them now.

no one but a few will understand, but I am calm (a good thing) --- drinks with new friends and old, dinner with a select few, breakfast and coffee with a special girl friend, time with the family and i feel like i won a small lottery of sorts.

we’ll see. and i feel pretty confident about myself. been through the worst of 'em, i think, and i'm up for this new lease.

p.s. my drinks with friends old and new at balay ni juan was fantastic. i'd post pics but something went wrong with the pcis transfer. thanks to everyone who came!

a-christmas-comin'

it's been a weird, sleepy, sloppy, slow day. and it's december 1. whoopee-dee-doo .

as is customary, here's my list for what i want to get this month. hopefully, it's a living list, will be updated with much less mundane, much more appealing choice of gifts. but don't hold your breath. i think getting into the late-twenties means losing some of your santa spirit.

1. trashcan for my kitchen and bedroom - cha's been bugging me about this forever. see, i have a pad, and the bathroom is right across the kitchen, so it made sense to just get one (yes, one) trashcan. but now, because of guests, yosi, alcohol, and constant food delivery, just a one trashcan doesn't seem to be enough. but i swear, it kills me to see some trashcans cost more than 200 bucks. haha. i'd much rather buy me my cappucino for the day. i know, selfish me. lazy me, too. i can't imagine lugging the thing from megamall to my home fast enough.

2. roman blinds for the sala - i swear, it's part of the plan, but other priorities keep popping up. like hospital bills, hospital bills, oooh, and...hospital bills. either a really close friend will help me with this, or i'll just have to do with manila paper for another six months or so. but....it's really not all that bad, i think.

3. bath and body hand wash, hand lotion, hand sanitizer - my stash is almost gone.

4. a drill - yes, a drill. haha. i have to make holes in the wall to get all the pic frames up (plus the van gogh imitation painting too). i figure, it's well overdue as it's been over six months.

5. DSL - dear god, dear god, i promise to not sleep past 4 am on weeknights, if you just let me be able to play word raceronline again. haha. i'm weird, i know. if there was really a santa, i think he'd have thrown a tantrum right about now, with this request.

6. tickets (company included din sana haha) to a regine velasquez or mariah carey concert - i know. i suck. pop sucks. whatever. i'd love to hear them sing live. and yes, i would be one of those star-struck people. i'd probably gush about the event forever too.

7. towel rings - for my bathroom, yes. i didn't know the really nice ones were soooo expensive.

8. a new samsung phone - this, i'd probably get for myself. i seriously, really, need to retire my old samsung unit. it's had it's run. it's been good to me. but now, i really need to not have sticky keys, especially when my patience runs out.

9. frames, frames, and more frames - for my planned wall mural of photos.

10. a handbag, shoulder bag, or body bag - all my bags are packed (up) and ready to go (to the waste basket)... everytime i attempt to buy bags, i end up with shoes. go figure! it's happened too often now that i wear a body bag with ladylike work clothes, and use my lone (but old) trusty red shoulder bag with a green top. wahaha.

11. other dream gadgets i can only get in my dreams - new zoom lens for my trusty cam, tripod, iHome, and a cool camerabag.

12. if all else fails, starbucks coupons always work with me. i love cheap thrills.

ta-dah. wasn't so painful for me to think about. what's actually painful is knowing i can't afford to get all this for myself haha.

essentially an egg

Karev, in Grey’s Anatomy (season 3) said something that struck me and stuck. He said that if a superhero lost his power, he continues to be a hero. Essentially, then, heroes are not defined by what they do (although they don’t really ‘do heroism’).

On that track, naisip ko lang, if there are parents out there who are either removed from their children, or who cease to care about their children --- is it still fitting to call them ‘parents’? Are they still essentially parents, even if their ‘pagmemeron’ does not exude parenthood in any way, shape, or form, except maybe due to the coincidental merging of their eggs and sperm to form another human being apart from and greater than themselves?

Are parents more fitting parents if their children are alive? How about if their children abandoned them? Or if the someone took their children away? Are they still parents? Or are they then reduced to ‘victims of society’ or ‘unfortunate sad beings’ who are left at sidelines when there are parades or talent shows and when the circus is in town?

When a parent roams the earth, is his/her offspring more fortunate because s/he ‘still has’ a parent? Are children with no known parents then less fortunate? Are they less beings? Should less then be expected of them?

Parents can’t be parents without any children. They simply cannot be random parents of the world. But children are still children without and/or apart from their parents. They can be random children of the world.
Being a ‘non-parent’ kills the life out of some people. But being non-children is what most kids can’t wait to be.

It’s all such a vicious cycle, I think.

It’s like the argument of the chicken or the egg. I’d rather be the egg. It’s way less harmless.

p.s. the flower has nothing to do with the topic, i just felt like posting it haha.